I wrote this back in September and forgot to post it. After reading, I thought it still worth sharing.
Kyle & I have been back in town for a few weeks. Many people have asked me how it feels to be back, and trust me when I say that I can't imagine being anywhere else. I know that God brought us here.
But....
Look, the thing is not EVERYONE in their twenties is super-okay with change. In fact, I have this theory that very few of us deal with it in a healthy way. The results are horn-rimmed glasses & movies like Reality Bites.
It has been difficult for me to be in this town as a married full-time ministry... person. Operating as an adult in a college town is a whole different ball game than living in one as a student.
Maybe it has the feel of learning how to play your favorite song on an instrument you've never picked up before. I wouldn't know because I don't play instruments, but it seems fitting.
Last night our church had a leadership meeting, and for awhile I began reminisce/throw a pity party and think of all the people that I've served with over the past four years that I miss. Somewhere in the middle of my thinking I felt God nudging me to look around the room and look at the people who were there. I have this tendency to become very selfish when I'm moping, and God graciously tucked His finger under my chin and lifted it so I could see that there were people around me. People that He placed me here to encourage & serve & love.
It's not like God magically took all of my angst away. This morning I woke up feeling frustrated again because it's our day off and I wanted to instantly have plans with people, but I don't. Then I read Luke 9 this morning.
"Yet another said, 'I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home. Jesus said to him, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God." (vs. 61-62)
I don't think Jesus was being a heartless jerk to the person He was speaking to in this verse, because I know He is not one. However, I do think that He recognized a pretty practical truth that my mind understands but my heart is having trouble grasping. A truth that I think several people have morphed into a "self-help" kind of pep-talk, because many others besides me don't get it either.
God calls us to constantly change. We are not meant to be static creations, but rather be continually pressing into His Person and allowing His holiness to change us. "Further up & further in!" as C.S. Lewis puts it.
I believe as humans, we recognize our need to grow & change, but it seems like we either refuse to do so (because change is scary) and wind up bitter and cynical that life is not what we thought it would be, or disillusioned and living in a dreamworld.
We also attempt to make the source of our change something besides God. We trade out cars, or houses, or jobs, or friendships, or spouses, or we buy new clothes, or we chronically diet. We try new restaurants, new movies, new books, new hairstyles, etc. It's like we're scared of what might happen, or what we might feel, if we just sit still for two seconds.
All the while not realizing that the only source that ourselves were made to fit into is One whose character answers are deepest fears.
God is unchanging. We can rest & trust & depend on Him. He will never morph into something that He isn't right now. For me this is huge. I am one of those who refuses to change because change is scary. How can I have a guarantee that people will like who I change into? What if I have to let go of something that I really, really, really love? He answers that by being our Rock, our Stronghold.
God is also deeper and wider than we will ever have time to explore. He can, inexplicably, be one person's rock while He is another's raging river. He will lay one person by a stream of water and walk another through the valley of the shadow of death. He is the source that will meet all our needs, even when our needs change.
And yet I still cling to the familiar & safe like a small child. Sometimes I think the only reason I stopped carrying around a blankie (besides being socially awkward) is that I'm able to trade it out for other things as I get older.
Thankfully, on top of being simultaneously unchanging & a catalyst for change, God is also very, very.... very patient.
