tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38719412485934421112024-03-13T05:01:48.959-07:00Mrs. Kroegerand the messiness of marriage, motherhood, & ministrycakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.comBlogger117125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-37663297216696522122019-03-11T13:14:00.003-07:002019-03-11T13:17:52.509-07:00I'm Feelin' 32Over my birthday dinner on Wednesday, my husband and I talked about my last year. It was a productive conversation, because we discussed all the things that were really, truly good about it. Though it is true my last year has been marked by many tears and unanswered questions, it is also true that it has been marked by deep joy and new life.<br />
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We went on our first family vacation - just the five of us, and it was so good and refreshing. A year ago if you would have said, "Hey, you're going to really enjoy just hanging out with your kids for three days in a tiny airbnb beach condo," I would have said you are crazy. But, I get it now. I get why my parents wanted to hang out all the time! It's so fun to be around little people that you <i>made</i>. (Unless they are screaming, or falling apart, or angry because even though you've spent FIVE HOURS at the beach, you have decided it's time to go inside.) </div>
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We feel as though who we are as a family is growing: our family culture, our own weird sense of humor, and our own traditions. We began "family days" on Saturday. Now that Zeke is in school, our time together is pretty limited. So Saturdays are days for just us. It filled my heart to think back on this last year and meditate on what God is building into the five of us.</div>
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I have continued working on my book. This may sound not that noteworthy, but for me it definitely is. I am historically a procrastinator and someone who quits when things get too hard. So the fact that this book is still sitting in my Google Drive, <i>and I'm adding to it</i>, is a big deal. It has been a sweet source of joy to me to write it. </div>
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Perhaps the greatest thing is what God has done in me. It has been kind of low key revolutionary (or maybe I'm just realizing how astounding sanctification is, #iseeyouHolySpirit). At any rate, it feels weird to be like, "Look how mature I am!" but rest assured, I am well aware that the maturity is a result of the Spirit in me; and, while it is completely the Spirit, He <i>does </i>require a willing heart, so I have been receiving the Lord's affirmation and delight in choosing Him. He brought me to a place where I had to choose once and for all if I was going to live as the new creation He already made me, or if I was going to continue to walk in something that was dead. By His grace and for His glory, I have chosen what is alive. </div>
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This has resulted in many moments lately where I've thought, "Hmmm, me a year ago would not have been that calm/at peace/non-reactionary/secure/generally well-balanced as I am right now." I (and, let's be real, my husband) am deeply grateful for this change. </div>
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If I had to pinpoint the two greatest lessons I have learned this last year, here's what they'd be: </div>
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<b>Learning how to grieve</b>. </div>
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Last fall, I felt like the Lord was asking me to take every Sunday morning before church and grieve. Kyle would be working on his teaching/getting some random ministry work done, the kids would be up, dressed, fed and on TV, and I would be upstairs in our guest bedroom/my office, usually curled up into a bawl on a chair, sobbing. </div>
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It was my scheduled grieving time. It started because I was a mess about Zeke going to kinder. He was gone so much, and yet I just did not have the capacity to think about homeschooling. There was guilt and fear and deep sadness and I just needed to cry about it. </div>
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I begin by writing down the things that I am sad about, things I have lost or am losing, things that have disappointed me, things that didn't turn out the way I expected them to. Then I tell God exactly how I feel about all these things. Every nitty gritty detail. I do not leave anything out. Anger, fear, despair, bitterness, resentment, etc. I cry, I yell, I write...one time I actually wailed. I have never really grieved like that before. If I was strong enough I might have even torn my garments, but I didn't. The point is, I get it out <i>in healthy ways</i>. I'd also grieve when I worked out, crying as I'm punch-dancing out my angst. </div>
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The few times I didn't know what I needed to grieve I asked the Lord to show me. At the beginning there was always something. Now, after doing this for awhile, sometimes there isn't anything to grieve. Ah, progress. As it turns out, when you've (for the most part) not grieved healthily for three decades, it can take some time to catch up. </div>
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I remind myself of Isaiah 53:4, "Surely, our griefs and pain He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried." Or, 1 Peter 5:7, "...casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." </div>
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Realizing that God carried all my grief for me was a game changer. This doesn't mean I never have to feel it, it means that I don't have to carry it around with me forever. I can be sad, disappointed, ache over a loss.... and then give it to Jesus. </div>
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And then! Then, I ask for His comfort. He is described as the God of all comfort in Scripture. Not <i>some</i> comfort. All comfort. Any and every grief, He is capable of comforting. I ask the Lord what He may want to give me in exchange for this grief or sorrow. Not surprisingly, a good majority of the time the Lord simply, but powerfully, just gives me more of Himself. His presence is peace. </div>
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Here's a rough list of the things I had to grieve/still am!</div>
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- Zeke not being little anymore.</div>
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- Not being able to control everything. </div>
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- That there is deep emotional pain in this world.</div>
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- That there will be people who don't press into Jesus when they realize this.</div>
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- That my physical body is limited and being a bit uncooperative at the moment. </div>
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- That I have friendships that are ending. </div>
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- That I have friendships I have been ignoring that I shouldn't have been. </div>
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- Dreams I have had to postpone (and, just being real) may never get to step into because of having children. </div>
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- My first heartbreak (romantically speaking). </div>
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- How hard motherhood is. </div>
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- That my children won't stay little forever and will one day wrestle with adult-size issues, because they will be adults.<br />
- Evie going to school soon.<br />
- Missed expectations in marriage. </div>
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- Loss of ministry opportunities in this season because of my very low capacity. </div>
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- Loss of the joy I get from active vocational ministry, as I've had to step back in this season. </div>
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- That I am not a perfect mother. </div>
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- That I am not a perfect wife. </div>
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..and the list goes on. </div>
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Now, it's important to realize that there's a difference between grieving and addressing lies. In fancy inner-healing prayer ministry or counseling talk, you might say "truth-based pain" versus "lie-based pain."</div>
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It is true that Zeke is not little anymore, but the lie that comes with that is, "Because he is no longer close to me all the time, he is less safe." While it may be true I have less control over his safety, it is not true that I have complete control over his safety when he's with me. So I grieve the reality of losing a little bit of the control, but I address the lie that I can actually guarantee his safety when he's with me. (Or that when he's not with me, he's somehow "less safe.") </div>
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The truth is there is no guarantee of safety in this broken world. The truth is what my heart is really longing for is the Kingdom I believe Jesus is ushering in, where death is conquered and sin is no more. I grieve that we don't live there yet, and that means my little six year old might get his feelings hurt by mean kids, and that school shootings are a reality in our world. I weep and I give that deep sorrow over to Jesus. </div>
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Because what is also true is that He loves my son deeply, and that God - unlike myself - has the capacity to bear the sorrow of this broken world <i>and to redeem it</i>. </div>
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I have realized true grieving comes with deep humility. It requires me to recognize that I cannot be as sad as this world really merits. It will break me. It is not my place to bear the weight of this world, and to try and do so would be foolishness. It is my place to reflect the heart of God by mourning with those who mourn, by crying out at injustice and pain and death, but then turning it over to the Father, who is the only one who can truly bring an end to this grief. </div>
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<b>Learning the discipline of celebration. </b></div>
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The great joy is, once I realized it is not my place to bear (and fix) the world's sadness, that frees up so much space to rejoice and celebrate! </div>
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Obviously, there are seasons and moments celebration and levity are inappropriate, but one thing I have learned this year is that I am, mostly, far too serious. That part of living in the already, not yet of Christ's Kingdom is boldly proclaiming the already through joy and laughter. Scriptures say that the Kingdom of God is one of righteousness, peace, and joy by the power of the Holy Spirit. It is a lot easier to step into this when I am not worrying about addressing all the deep brokenness of the world. </div>
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So this last year, we held a New Year's Eve party. Even though we have three small children, and it is silly to stay up till midnight when your children will wake up at 6:30, we did it. We did it to stand up and say, "Life is hard, but we serve a God who is restoring all things! We enjoy good food and good wine and sweet laughter because this, just as much as mourning with those who mourn, is a picture of the Father's heart." </div>
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Laughter is good medicine, I believe, because it speaks to the reality that <i>this world is going to be made new</i>. Tears will not be the final word, unless they are tears of joy. So we discipline ourselves to celebrate. To make much of good things, even when we are feeling the hard things at the same time.<br />
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As I've learned how to weave celebration into my life, I find that it sustains me. Almost as if (wait for it...) <i>the joy of the Lord is my strength</i>. Don't you just love it when Scripture confirms what we experience in reality.<br />
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Almost as if, maybe, it was written by someone who knows what they're talking about because they <i>created</i> reality.<br />
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That is my reflection as I head into Year 32. My prayer for this next year is Isaiah 61.1-3:<br />
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The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,<br />
because the Lord has anointed me<br />
to proclaim good news to the poor.<br />
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,<br />
to proclaim freedom for the captives<br />
and release from darkness for the prisoners,<br />
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor<br />
and the day of vengeance of our God,<br />
to comfort all who mourn,<br />
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—<br />
to bestow on them a crown of beauty<br />
instead of ashes,<br />
the oil of joy<br />
instead of mourning,<br />
and a garment of praise<br />
instead of a spirit of despair.<br />
They will be called oaks of righteousness,<br />
a planting of the Lord<br />
for the display of his splendor.<br />
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Accompanied by this reassurance from 2 Corinthians 1.20:<br />
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For all of God’s promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding “Yes!” And through Christ, our “Amen” (which means “Yes”) ascends to God for his glory.<br />
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May it be so, Lord Jesus. </div>
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cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-5305372109065223122019-02-19T07:45:00.002-08:002019-02-19T07:45:42.524-08:00Redeeming the Authority of GodLast weekend I attended a conference that was all about resting in the presence of the Lord. I was completely set and prepared to be encouraged, comforted, restored...maybe even healed!<br />
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The closer the conference got, the more ambivalent I became. But I knew I was supposed to go, I just wasn't sure why.<br />
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I got out of the car Friday morning and asked God, "Why am I here? This feels weird to be alone at one of these things. Does anything <i>of substance</i> even happen at events like this? Where a thousand random people sit in a big room and sing and listen to someone talk?" </div>
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(I was no longer ambivalent and more straight up cranky at this point.) </div>
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The Lord answered, quickly. He said, "This weekend is about you and me, dear one."</div>
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But it wasn't a heartwarming, "It's just you and me in a bubble of love and intimacy and good feelings." It was more like, "You and I need to talk and by that I mean I will be doing the talking and you will be doing the listening." </div>
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The conference started at 10.00am on Friday, by 10.02 I was sobbing. Through the prayers, the worship, the teachings, and sometimes the announcements. I bought a book and read it while waiting for the next session to start, sobbing because of the book while people around me awkwardly sipped on their coffees and looked at phones. </div>
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I'm sure many people went to that conference and had a joyful, sweet time with the Lord and with others. I was disciplined. </div>
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The topic the teachers were given was Jesus. All weekend they spoke about His kingdom, His character, His heart for us, His rule and reign, His role in our redemption.<br />
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All weekend the Lord gently told me, "I am better than you." </div>
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At protecting. </div>
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At providing. </div>
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At loving my husband and my children. </div>
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At establishing security and peace. </div>
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At pretty much everything. Always. For eternity. </div>
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He is better than me. He will always be. There will never be one moment in which God looks at me and says, "Actually, you take this Christina, it's more your area of expertise." </div>
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I grieved the last thirty-one years of struggling to trust anyone - parents, husband, and sometimes God - to take care of me. Of always having to hedge my bets. Always needing to double check everyone's work. Always keeping the tiniest sliver of my heart back, just in case things went wrong and I needed something with which to rebuild. </div>
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The hard bit comes in realizing you can't feed any sin for several decades and expect it to be a done deal overnight. I can tell there is still resistance to complete surrender. The Lord will be faithful to fight for my whole heart, though. Even if he has to fight me to win it. I am thankful for His jealousy and His gentleness when He takes back what is rightfully His.<br />
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I have heard that shepherds in Jesus' day would break the leg of a lamb that was prone to wander, resting it on their shoulders as the leg healed so that the lamb would form a bond with the shepherd and cease it's wandering. I don't know if this is true but it is an incredibly apt analogy. The Lord is breaking me. It is his right to do so. I can tell you that though the pain is great, His presence is greater than a pain-free life. <br />
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I don't think this is an issue unique to me - the tendency to believe we can do better than God or know better than God is all too human - but the Lord was tenderly revealing that, for me, this was a big one. One of those "line in the sand" moments with the Lord.<br />
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Someone having complete and total authority over our lives is so foreign to us, isn't it? As one of the speakers pointed out this weekend, our only experiences with humans who attempt to wield the kind of sovereignty God inherently holds don't go well. More than that, we live in a culture where our ultimate authority is ourselves. We are free men and women, with the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.<br />
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Right now, the Lord has been leading me to study His character. I cannot read enough about His holiness, His goodness, His limitlessness, His might, His mercy, His love...<br />
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I am convinced the more I know God, the more I "taste and see that the Lord is good," the more surrender will come.<br />
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Only by His grace will the study of His character redeem the idea of giving Him complete and total authority. Because as I was also reminded this weekend, it is under His rule and reign that all things flourish.<br />
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My spirit longs to flourish under the rule of my King. The One who bought me back from death with His blood. Surely, He has given me no reason to pause, even as my own brokenness shrinks back from surrender, His kindness shows in His patience with me.<br />
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May we all step into surrender boldly, proclaiming His goodness to a world that cannot understand why we would willingly sign over complete control. </div>
cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-84091340457293416402019-01-04T09:42:00.001-08:002019-01-04T09:42:28.411-08:00SabbaticalI was completely prepared to walk away from this blog. I thought I was done. Not with writing... just blogging. We had Micah and we moved and church planted, and life just got a little busy and (it felt like) too serious for something like blogging.<br />
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Then I had a complete breakdown. Twice. My body started to kind of fall apart on me, physically. Turns out you cannot treat your body like garbage and have three babies in five years without paying a price. I've spent most of the fall letting Jesus slowly piece me back together. He's not done, but He is faithful.<br />
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As a result of my tendency to fall apart when things get stressful, I am taking a sabbatical from ministry.<br />
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This sounds way fancier than it is, since 1) I cannot take a sabbatical from motherhood, and that is my primary role at the moment and 2) my husband is not taking a sabbatical, so much of our life will still involve ministry.<br />
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All it means is that I will not be doing campus ministry in the spring.<br />
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My supervisor suggested I think of a "program" of sorts for me to do while on my sabbatical... since watching The West Wing for the ninth time probably wouldn't be the most beneficial thing in the world. As I was praying through what this spring would look like, the thought of dusting off the blog came up.<br />
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My brain all of a sudden realized how many thoughts it had been accumulating. Thoughts it wanted to share. My fingers began to get that itch to move across the keyboard. Perhaps most importantly, my heart and spirit are beginning to heal in ways I didn't realize they needed, and I've never been able to keep quiet about a good thing. Thus, blogging. I'm not exactly sure what I will write about as I begin this spring, but I will write. I also have a book I am working on. It's got two chapters and may never leave my Google Drive, but it's there.<br />
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One of the big lessons I've been learning is that self-care has a whole lot more to do with discipline than mani-pedis. Eating healthier, working out, giving myself time to grieve disappointments and endings, getting up before my children to spend time with Jesus, and disciplining myself to celebrate well. Also I am learning what others call self-care, professional counselors might call "becoming a healthy human."<br />
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So, I am not just writing on this sabbatical. I am also going to counseling, continuing to work on my physical health, and reading.<br />
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...I will also be watching <i>The West Wing</i>, and maybe Marie Kondo's <i>Tidying Up </i>as that looks like it is right up my cathartic TV watching alley.<br />
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Charles Spurgeon once said, "I have learned to kiss the waves that throw me against the Rock of Ages."<br />
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What I have walked through over the past year is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Panic attacks. The inability to be alone. Feeling completely overwhelmed by normal, every day things. Insomnia.<br />
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I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and yet I am grateful for it, most of the time. Over the past year the Lord revealed that my theology on suffering was nonexistent. That has slowly been changing, and it is to my benefit. As I learn to kiss the waves, I find that I am learning peace, contentment, joy, and hope in ways that I did not know were possible.<br />
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The key part of that last sentence is that I have not learned, I am learning.<br />
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Hopefully sharing some thoughts here will help others do the same.<br />
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Much grace.cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-90567378198185965692016-12-04T11:51:00.003-08:002016-12-04T11:51:41.172-08:00Gilmore Girls Revival Recap: Fall <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir_lNQmyqcdmxhCLpau0fPWpBz_TdlEDeK-sc4yvCAofJ7Cmawq9cJfJ-1H-GNzJzCV2UjnopsRaxdHAKdUN975Fle4fS1NdDz35eUHlV2LSbP3T2ctwXnPTVgdm3iqgZaizrEYz16VNQ/s1600/06426d4e21d346a1af9efafb83af170d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir_lNQmyqcdmxhCLpau0fPWpBz_TdlEDeK-sc4yvCAofJ7Cmawq9cJfJ-1H-GNzJzCV2UjnopsRaxdHAKdUN975Fle4fS1NdDz35eUHlV2LSbP3T2ctwXnPTVgdm3iqgZaizrEYz16VNQ/s400/06426d4e21d346a1af9efafb83af170d.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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There are no words... and yet, there are a lot of words.<br />
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Let's start with the episode itself and then move on to my thoughts on where the characters are at after this series. This was a great episode, actually. I delve more into this further down, but I actually loved the last four words. I thought they were a brilliant way to end this show.<br />
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The quirkiness was the best part to me. The scene towards the beginning with Rory and her Yale friends was super weird and engaging. After watching I finally read all the opinion pieces on the series I had been waiting to read, and <a href="https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2016/11/why-gilmore-girls-obsession-with-oz-is-the-key-to.html" target="_blank">this one</a> by Paste was my favorite.<br />
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This episode (in some ways) reminded me of the entire last season of Parks and Rec. You know you're going out, so why not do whatever the heck you want and make it interesting TV.<br />
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Now, let's rank the characters in how they came out at the end of the series:<br />
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<b>First Place: Emily Gilmore</b><br />
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Her change of character was fun to watch unfold. She reinvented herself a lot, but without losing her Emily Gilmore sass. Unless a character is going to turn out to be a villain, I like my character's stories to generally take an upward trend, and Emily's did. Certainly Richard's death was sad - I think Palladino's portrayal of Emily grieving was well done - but over the course of the series I liked her more and more. (I mean, I always liked her even in the show, but by the end of the series she becomes the kind of person I'd want to hang out with in her beach house in Nantucket.)<br />
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<b>Second Place: Loralai Gilmore</b><br />
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Maybe it's because she wound up exactly where I wanted her to wind up, but I liked Loralai's storyline this time around. Again, I enjoy an upward trend in my characters and Loralai, to me, seemed to have one in this series. She could *finally* differentiate between what she wanted and what she needed.Good job, Loralai.<br />
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As an aside, I thoroughly enjoyed even more Parenthood cameos in this episode.<br />
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<b>Third Place: Luke Danes</b><br />
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That monologue at the end (though sort of co-dependent) was awesome. Mainly because we see that Luke (on top of being dependable and always there for Loralai) now is the type of person that will fight for their relationship when he thinks Loralai is about to pull one of her crazy shenanigans. One of the most frustrating things about his character in the show was his passivity. So it was nice to see that different side of his character.<br />
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<b>Fourth Place: Sookie St. James</b><br />
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She gets a place just because she showed up!! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I loved every second she was on the screen.<br />
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<b>Last Place...... sigh: Rory Gilmore</b><br />
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It wasn't because her career didn't unfold like she wanted it to.<br />
It wasn't because she didn't wind up with the guy I wanted her to.<br />
It wasn't because she is pregnant.<br />
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It's because - and this is hard for me to admit - I think Rory Gilmore has never been the kind of person I could be friends with, and this series really drew that out.<br />
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When the last fade-to-black happened, I felt several things. First, shock. Second, anger. Third, acceptance. Fourth, resolution. It totally made sense to me. The fact that Palladino knew that the last words of the show would be Rory telling her mom she was pregnant made absolute, perfect sense. And I thought it was incredibly genius.<br />
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HOWEVER, it made me really, really sad that Rory getting pregnant happened the way it did. How much sweeter would it have been if she was in (at the bare minimum) a stable relationship with someone who actually cared about her? It would have been PERFECT. Like you wouldn't even have to wonder about the gender of the baby, it's obviously going to be a girl, and you would have known that the Gilmore Girls were continuing in a much happier, healthier place than where they started, and you got to watch a huge part of the journey. And that would have been good TV.<br />
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But no, Logan had to be the father. Who sees no problem with making her a kept woman. I will give credit where credit is due and recognize that he wanted to marry Rory at the end of the original show. Which actually made it weirder to me how "okay" he was with the whole mistress situation; and Rory barely makes me believe that she has a problem with it either. Her last scene with Christopher was heartbreaking as well - even more so in hindsight of knowing she's pregnant - when she asks him why he didn't fight to be in her life more.<br />
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Maybe someone who liked Rory and Logan together could explain to me what the deal was, it seemed like Palladino wanted us to believe that they were saying goodbye to each other as two human beings that have a mutual respect, but just recognize their relationship is at an end and they've held onto it way longer than they should have. Instead it was super awkward and a bit creepy to me that Logan came back. It made him even more slimy in my mind. Their last scene together was like, "Hey let's be super selfish just ONE more time."<br />
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So, I was sad Rory was pregnant, but not because she was pregnant, because of how it happened. She gets last place because I think she's the only character that didn't change. She still can't seem to say no to something she wants, even if it's bad for her.Which, truthfully is a main character trait of Loralai in the original show. Are the Gilmore Girls fun and quick-witted and do they love each other deeply? Yes. Is impulse control one of their strengths? No.<br />
<br />
And maybe Palladino wanted Rory there, vaguely resembling where we met Loralai at the very beginning of the show. If so, she did an excellent job in writing the character, it's just painful for me to finally admit Rory Gilmore is a character I don't like.<br />
<br />
As for me, I'm just going to pretend like Rory moves to New York or Boston and raises her baby and writes, and she and Jess (because that scene where he looked through the window at her?? Ugh, you guys.) eventually wind up together.<br />
<br />
All the supporting characters were fantastic. In hindsight the townspeople of Stars Hollow are one of the strongest parts of the original show, and it was no different for the revival series.<br />
<br />
I'd love to hear other thoughts! Please, as my husband (for some reason), is not willing to listen to me process this series anymore than I already have.cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-7892158079636498882016-12-03T06:59:00.000-08:002016-12-05T13:57:54.935-08:00Gilmore Girls Revival Recap: Summer<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This was the worst episode in the series so far... until all of a sudden it wasn't.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div>
The excruciatingly long "Stars Hollow" play, Michel leaving, Rory becoming the editor of the Stars Hollow Gazette. At one point during all of this I thought, "....are we going anywhere, ever?" </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But then, ladies and gentlemen, Jess Mariano was on camera for less than five minutes and fixed all of "Funk Rory's" problems. This scene felt like sweet vindication to me because it was a perfect example of why I've been #teamjess all along. Say what you want about Dean being her "first love" or Logan being... I don't know, actually.... but as far as Rory's love interests go, Jess was the one that understood her the most. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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I'm hoping Loralai's venture into the wilderness clears her head. It is very obvious to me that she and Luke should use the money bequeathed to Luke to expand the Dragonfly and therefore keep Michel. But, *shrugs* who knows. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And it wouldn't be a Gilmore Girls series without one decent fight between Rory and Loralai. Even though these were the wuuuhhh-ooorrssstt episodes to watch in the series, they also rounded out the characters. In a weird way it's kind of satisfying to watch Loralai and Rory fight because it makes their mother/daughter relationship a bit more believable. I do side with Rory in this one, though... more or less. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Though a bit heavy-handed, I thought the song at the end was genius. It made the ten or fifteen minutes we spent watching the awkward musical earlier in the episode worth it. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Before heading into the final episode, here's where I hope all the characters end up:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Loralai: Married to Luke, expands the Dragonfly and has an intense, lasting moment of healing with her mom. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Luke: With Loralai, and never without his baseball cap. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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Rory: With Jess, OR it would actually be just as satisfying to me if she was solo with her head on straight, working for a serious newspaper/magazine and/or writing her book that everyone (looking at you, Loralai) needs to admit is a great idea. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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Jess: Very few thoughts here since his character has only been on screen for a tight five minutes, but it'd be nice if he ended up with Rory. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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Dean: Where are you Dean? I'd just like to see a cameo. </div>
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Logan: Please leave forever and always. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Kirk: Stay the same. </div>
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Taylor: Also the same. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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Paris: I really want her and Doyle to reunite. I appreciate them as a couple. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Michel: Don't leave! Ugh, I guess they could have him leave but it'd have to be done in a satisfying way. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Emily: Deep healing with Loralai - I'd love to see them end as friends. Like if the ending scene were Emily, Loralai, and Rory eating Friday night dinner and laughing I'd be totally cool with that. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I'll be back after watching the Fall episode. Here's to the last four words. </div>
cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-18048111105158051522016-11-30T12:51:00.000-08:002016-11-30T12:51:51.808-08:00Gilmore Girls Revival Recap: Spring<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Okay, this time we'll recap by moments in the show, not necessarily in chronological order.<br />
<br />
<b>The Fiance Drop</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
UM, OKAY LOGAN'S ENGAGED.<br />
<br />
Logan's (ew) dad (double ew) dropped the fact that he was engaged super casually in front of Rory. And nothing was explained?? Not going to lie, at this point I was ready to stop watching.<br />
<br />
QUIT CALLING HER ACE, LOGAN.<br />
<br />
<b>The Paris Meltdown</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Yeeeesss. Francie coming back? Brilliant. The bathroom scene at Chilton was the highlight of the episode for me. Methinks Paris is pregnant, but only time will tell.<br />
<br />
<b>a second film by kirk</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I can't believe I didn't mention Kirk in the Winter recap, because he has been a highlight of the revival. Seeing Lulu and he together has made my heart happy.<br />
<br />
<b>The Parenthood/Gilmore Girl Daughter Jealousy </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Well played, Daniel Palladino, well played.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>The Wookie Induced Rory Meltdown </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
"Funk Rory." CALLED IT. May she now leave. I really needed this scene to happen because it finally showed that Rory knew things were spiraling. I'm still really frustrated at the Rory/Logan story line, as cheating is not really that funny no matter how many quick-witted pop-culture references you throw around it. May we hope for an upward trend from here?<br />
<br />
<b>Paul?</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I'm re-iterating a friend's thoughts that I read on the matter, but basically he (up to this point) is completely unnecessary to the plot. It's not terribly funny and only heightens the nausea that I feel when Rory and Logan are on screen together.<br />
<br />
<b>Where are Jess and Dean? </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
It's not that I'm aching for Dean and Rory to have an awkward run-in, but the show is going to seem kind of empty until they have an interaction. I was never #teamdean, but I recognize the pivotal role he had in Rory's character development. Plus I really hope that they wrote him and .... Lindsay?.... a happier marriage than they had in the show.<br />
<br />
It probably goes without saying that I'm hoping Rory winds up with Jess. I would even settle for them running into each other in the last five minutes of the show and grabbing coffee to catch up, with strong implications that this is the start of a beautiful relationship with non-adulterous overtones. (cough)<br />
<br />
TBD if watching the Gilmore Girls grown up has been enjoyable or weird. So far, I wouldn't recommend these to someone who had never seen Gilmore Girls and was getting ready to start the series. I'm basically watching them for the cameos at this point.cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-27410498103139892512016-11-29T07:56:00.000-08:002016-11-29T07:56:11.979-08:00Gilmore Girls Revival Recap: Winter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Since I am moving in two weeks and my family is in the middle of a hellacious stomach bug, I thought an appropriate reaction would be to analyze the Gilmore Girls Revival. I will write a brief analysis after each show. So, know as you read this that I have only seen the Winter episode.<br />
<br />
Before beginning, I just have to say that my expectations were low. They had to be because Gilmore Girls was always special to me, and I was desperately worried that this revival would ruin a really magical TV watching season in my life. Not to mention, if they attempted to stay true to the what made Gilmore Girls... Gilmore Girls... it might come across stilted. This is, I think, a natural hazard when you're taking actors that have aged 15 years and coming back to a world they've supposedly been living in. It would be like coming back home after that long. You know these people, but you don't. It'd be weird and unnatural if they acted the exact same way they did 15 years ago as most people change, but at the same time it'd be weird and awkward if they didn't.<br />
<br />
So, all that to say, I think as long as these "show revivals" are going to go on, they have a sizable - if not impossible - job ahead of them.<br />
<br />
Here are my thoughts, character-by-character.<br />
<br />
<b>Loralai</b>: So far I am undecided, but in general I like where she is at. It's funny because I feel like Loralai is the linchpin that holds the show together. She and Rory, she and Luke, she and Emily, she and Michelle.... etc. She is connected with all the characters who may not be connected to each other. So far, she's doing a great job being the linchpin. It feels weird that I don't have much to say here, other than I thought the best scene of the episode was between she and Emily at Richard's funeral.<br />
<br />
<b>Rory</b>: Mmmmmmm, girl. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. A thousand and a million times NO. I understand, there are those of you who are #teamlogan. But really? Here's the deal, in Rory's character arc, they would give her these seasons of "funk." Like when she lived in Emily and Richard's pool house for a year, or the darkest of all episodes, when she WENT BACK TO DEAN and then fought with Loralai about it like a small child. "Funk Rory" is confusing and obnoxious to me, and I think they started out with "funk Rory." Struggling as a writer, in a real ambiguous relationship with her ex-boyfriend. And yet.... it makes her more well-rounded. I have to say that part of me admires Sherman-Palladino for taking the most likable character on the show and bravely making her not likable. Also, the "struggling" writer bit is slightly hard to believe as she jet sets between New York and London, and looks fabulous while doing so. That should probably be expected since one of the show's trademarks, I think, is being completely unrealistic about certain aspects of life. Like the amount of coffee one can drink or junk food one can eat.<br />
<br />
<b>Emily: </b>It's too soon to tell, but I think Emily Gilmore is finally going to get her opportunity to shine during the Revival. She is amazing as Loralai's mom. AMAZING. And the show never had the time, I think, to do her justice. She is, after all, a Gilmore Girl. And it always felt weird that we never got to see more sides to her. I am excited to see where she and Loralai's therapy sessions end up.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Luke:</b> I really, REALLY, hope they don't mess with he and Loralai too much. Of course they're going to, but COME ON. The deal is, Luke and Loralai never had great chemistry when they were "together" on the original show, and that's why it was great that the show ended at the beginning of their relationship. So, I get how hard it would be to have four episodes and not throw in a little drama. But listen, Luke and Loralai were always supposed to be together. So let them be together. Even if it is kind of boring. That's why we like Luke, he is dependable and he balances out Loralai's absolute crazy. He makes Loralai's character a bit more realistic. No 47 year old woman can eat like Loralai pretends to eat, okay? It's hard to believe that she'd still be alive or able to get out of bed if Luke weren't there.<br />
<br />
<b>Paris</b>: All things yes. I am thoroughly enjoying what they did with Paris' character. It was a brilliant move to apply her character to owning a successful fertility clinic and letting it play out in the dialogue.<br />
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<b>Logan: </b>Get out. Or at least finally show your true colors and be the jerk that I somehow believed you always to be. I imagine the arrogance wafting off of him is the only thing that overpowers his designer cologne. I think he's the kind of guy that smirks in his sleep, okay?<br />
<br />
<b>Lane: </b>I really hope she gets more air-time, but we'll see. If nothing else I enjoyed that we got to see her, still rocking out and rocking the mom and wife thing.<br />
<br />
<b>Sookie: </b>Coooommmeeeee baaacckkkk. :( Man, I can't remember if they said Melissa McCarthy has a brief cameo or not, but it's rough not having her there. The Dragonfly was just as much hers as it was Loralai's. Bleh. Do not like. Though, thanks to Chef's Table I did understand the reference to where she had gone.<br />
<br />
<b>Michel:</b> Enjoyed, as usual.<br />
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That's all I can think of for now. Will post again after I watch Spring!!<br />
<br />
<br />cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-61669735193208240222016-08-17T16:34:00.001-07:002016-08-17T16:36:02.973-07:00Micah's Birth Story This will be the third birth story I've posted on this blog. That's three babies in juuust under five years. Kyle and I always thought we wanted to have our kids close, but I think we blew our own expectations out of the water.<br />
<br />
Every birth has been completely different. No matter how hard you try to duplicate - or avoid - certain aspects of previous births, without fail a curve ball is thrown. The encouraging part is with each birth you get a little better at handling curve balls, a little better at expecting the unexpected.<br />
<br />
Here are <a href="http://mrskroeger.blogspot.com/2012/06/zs-birth-story.html" target="_blank">Zeke</a> and <a href="http://mrskroeger.blogspot.com/2014/04/vs-birth-story-natural-v-medicated-birth.html" target="_blank">Evie's</a> birth stories for those, like me, who are obsessed with these things and can binge read them at 2am when you're up for the second time breastfeeding your newborn.<br />
<br />
On to Micah:<br />
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***<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpub4ql0ZeVIs_i_vSUd8MjnMXbjGF8MlloIC6Q-MklSYK_6Wwpi2P_Ce0oBU6Fy1WKzcgHSbL4_pi6RSB6VI_dSW8lHPd4Ayf4Az5CLl929k-vSzN5W55qO9NNnY3TahrHKZIFVNJKt0/s1600/IMG_20160810_090412.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpub4ql0ZeVIs_i_vSUd8MjnMXbjGF8MlloIC6Q-MklSYK_6Wwpi2P_Ce0oBU6Fy1WKzcgHSbL4_pi6RSB6VI_dSW8lHPd4Ayf4Az5CLl929k-vSzN5W55qO9NNnY3TahrHKZIFVNJKt0/s320/IMG_20160810_090412.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We'll start with a photo because, let's be honest, that's why most of you are here. Our dark-haired and dark-eyed beauty. Kyle's Cajun genes finally won the day! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
I woke up Monday, the 8th, four days past my due date. As I was getting out of bed my water promptly broke, or at least I thought it did. My water had never broken with my previous two - both times they had to artificially break it right before pushing - so I wasn't sure, exactly, what water breaking looked like. It is crazy how ambiguous labor can be until all of a sudden it very much isn't.<br />
<br />
For the past week or so I had contracted on and off for a few hours at a time, nothing regular and nothing too painful. This, also, was different from my previous two births. Zeke and Evie had very clear "start times." I would have a few Braxton Hicks, but once I started painfully contracting, that was the beginning of labor.<br />
<br />
Not so with Micah.<br />
<br />
Fortunately, I had an OB appointment already scheduled for that Monday morning so I went in and had my doctor check to see where I was at. I was dilated at a 3 and 60% effaced. Which in labor terms is good news. My body had done a lot of work in all this "pre-labor" contracting.<br />
<br />
My OB was sure my water had broken. I still wasn't having regular contractions so she sent me home and told me to do everything I could to get the contractions going by that afternoon. If not then I would go to the hospital and they may try to get the contractions to start with pitocin.<br />
<br />
I really wanted to avoid that as I've heard pitocin can make labor more painful - so I went home and walked.<br />
<br />
And walked.<br />
<br />
And walked.<br />
<br />
And then went to Chick-fil-a. And then walked some more.<br />
<br />
And the contractions finally came and picked up in intensity. Here's a text I sent soon after, that definitely falls under the "things you thought you'd never say" category:<br />
<br />
"Finally! They're getting more painful!"<br />
<br />
Kyle and I went to the hospital around 6.00, and by 6.50 I was signing off on paperwork to get my epidural. I had decided to get one this time and felt good about the decision. (My first had been a non-medicated birth, my second I got an epidural.) Leading up to the birth I had the thought that it would be good to be mentally prepared in case there wasn't time for an epidural, or something crazy happened like say, it not working...<br />
<br />
Somewhere around 7.00 I began feeling incredibly nauseated. By the grace of God my friend popped in right at that time to drop off some cookies for the L&D nurses, and I mentioned in passing that I was feeling pretty queasy. She called Kyle after she left and suggested that I ask the nurses about any anti-nausea medication they could give me. So I did and... medication, man, it's crazy. It knocked the nausea out. Which is nice because the last thing you want to be doing during a contraction is throwing up.<br />
<br />
After the anesthesiologist finished up the epidural around 8.00, I immediately felt relief on one side - but only one side - of my body. The nurses told me to give it about 25 minutes to kick in, and if it hadn't then we'd try a few things to see if we could get it to work fully. This wasn't too bad because the contractions hadn't hit the major leagues yet. Let's put them at the "exquisitely uncomfortable" mark. I was just getting ready to start transition. I knew this because I was thinking, "I cannot do this. What if this epidural doesn't work?" And in general feeling very non-committal about wanting to push this baby out of me. I started sweating like crazy and became incredibly hot. This is difficult to do in a hospital delivery room because I'm pretty sure they keep those things at a balmy 50 degrees.<br />
<br />
Around 8.45 or 9.00 things got serious. I had my first two contractions that were officially, absolutely, certifiably insane. It's a surreal feeling. It's like before hand your body was just practicing, and all of a sudden deep inside you feel something (let's call it your baby's bed pushing through your pelvis) shift and you think, "This baby is coming." The pain escalating tips you off, but it's how your entire body seems to respond to the contractions that let's you realize that you're about to meet your little one very soon.<br />
<br />
They called the anesthesiologist to see if he could come redo the epidural because the pain hadn't alleviated, but he was tied up in the OR. The nurses did a good job of keeping my hope alive, which I probably needed more than the truth that Micah would likely show up before the anesthesiologist did. I tricked myself into getting through the next hour one contraction at a time. Even though the epidural only worked on half of my body, it helped a little bit. Better half the pain then all of it, eh?<br />
<br />
During this time I vaguely remember my OB coming in and mentioning that Micah's heart rate was dropping during contractions. I was in a haze of adrenaline, but they gave me an oxygen mask to help get oxygen to Micah. At this point the contractions were coming alllmost right on top of each other. A few contractions later, I realized that this whole "fixing" the epidural thing wasn't going to happen, and this didn't change the fact that I was going to have to push her out. I think I moved out of transition at this point because all of a sudden my emotions clicked into place and I was ready to do this.<br />
<br />
So I cursed the anesthesiologist in my head and wished upon a star that I was close to the pushing stage, remembering from my first birth that once you can push the pain eases substantially.<br />
<br />
Maybe it was around 9.30 or 9.40 when I said I felt the need to push. My OB was amazing, she oversees a lot of unmedicated births, and at that point I was incredibly grateful I had a doctor who was used to navigating a birth without pain medication. She knew exactly how to tell me what to do and how to do it.<br />
<br />
I floundered for the first several pushes because I was pretty out of practice. The nurses really stepped in and helped me push more effectively. "Don't scream while you're pushing, put your energy into actually getting her out," being the most helpful reminder.<br />
<br />
My first had to be vacuum-extracted because of his positioning, so even though I didn't have an epidural, I didn't experience what it felt like to well... push a baby out of you. My second's epidural worked amazingly well, so though there was a lot of pressure there was no pain and no feeling. Feeling Micah every inch of the way was probably one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had. This may have been a weird labor thought, but I remember being kind of bummed that Kyle would never know what it feels like to do this. Looking at a mom in labor from the outside, not many would want to trade places with her, but it really is an incredibly intense experience that's amazing to think about - once you're done.<br />
<br />
Using an epidural kind of emotionally disconnected me from the whole birthing process. It had no effect on me attaching to my second born, but the birth itself felt significantly more like going to the grocery store than bringing a human into this world. Not so when you feel everything. Your mind clues in to every single detail and responds accordingly.<br />
<br />
After I was able to fall into the groove of pushing well, I realized that the epidural at this point had worn off completely, but I was able to hone in on every contraction and push effectively. Micah came out in about four or five pushes, all 9 pounds and 11 ounces of her. Somehow, by some miracle of nature, there was no tearing. She was my biggest baby by 10 ounces and she was the easiest on my body.<br />
<br />
At 10.02pm Micah Justice came into this world with speed and power. Once she finally made up her mind to come, she didn't waste her time doing so. It's surprising how many quirks they have as a newborn that turn into personality traits later on. Zeke was unpredictable and fascinated with the world. Evie was playful and cuddly. Micah, so far at least, makes her presence known loudly and immediately. I assume this will serve her well as a third child.<br />
<br />
My sisters reminded me of this verse after the birth, and it's been impressed upon my heart when I think about the way she came, quick and steady like a river, combined with what we chose to name her.<br />
<br />
"But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!" Amos 5.24<br />
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Kyle and I had almost no issue when picking Micah's name - from the first time we said it out loud, both of us experienced a deep peace about it. The verse was a sweet confirmation and reminder that the Lord has his hand even in the tiniest details.<br />
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She's here, and beautiful, and the Lord has used her significantly in my life already. I can't wait to see what she'll bring to our family.cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-54756705079845233312016-08-04T06:59:00.001-07:002016-08-04T07:11:20.414-07:00Trying Not to Build a Tower <br />
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"One day, everyone was talking and they came up with an idea: 'Let's build ourselves a beautiful city to live in! It can be our home. And we'll be safe forever and ever.' Then they had another idea: 'And let's build a really tall tower to reach up to heaven!'<br />
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'Yes!' they said, 'We'll say, 'Look at us up here!' And everyone will look up at us. And we'll look down on them. And then we'll know we are something. We'll be like God. <b>We'll be famous and safe and happy and everything will be all right</b>.'" - Lloyd-Jones, <i>The Jesus Storybook Bible</i></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">My due date for our third child is today. According to any given news outlet at any given time, the world is ending next year no matter who is elected to the office of President in November. As you can imagine, this stirs up feelings of being so completely okay and fine about bringing another child into this word. *sarcasm* </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">I read that excerpt from The Tower of Babel story in my kids' Bible the other night. With the political fervor of the past two weeks stirred up from the conventions, and the news cycles predicting absolute gloom and destruction and worst-case scenarios... those two paragraphs comforted me. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">The familiarity that comes with realizing humankind has always been the same helped me realize there is nothing new under the sun. We've always tried to control our lives. We've always run to places or people or things to give us the security we crave.</span></div>
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For the past several months, I have looked at the two candidates set before me with a lot of frustration, but also confusion. How did we get here? How are they the two top choices? We could talk a lot about the faults of a two-party system and the media and whatever.<br />
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At the end of the day, though, I think it's because humans want to feel safe, even at the expense of other humans actually being safe.<br />
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And that's how we have these two people standing before us, promising us two different versions of safety and security. We throw our voice behind their voices. Not so much because we agree with them but because what they're saying sounds like the most reasonable way, between the two choices, to guarantee the kind of life we want to live.<br />
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They tell us peace and prosperity are somehow our birthright, because of the national boundaries in which we were born. They promise safety, security, happiness, greatness, and complete freedom and complete control over our bodies. They tell us these are not only things we should want, but we should be angry if we do not have them.<br />
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Maybe, even, we should sacrifice morality and conscience if we're not getting them.<br />
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I'm not sure how those who don't follow Christ will choose this November. I don't know how those who do follow Christ will choose. But I have come to one conclusion: fear can have no part in my decision.<br />
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Fear of what either candidate says will happen if the other takes office. Fear of violence. Fear of war. Fear of the daily reality of so many in this world catching up with <i>us... America; </i>that what we see going on overseas could become our reality too. It's biting at our heels and we are losing our minds.<br />
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I'm not saying, "Things aren't that bad," because there are several things that really are that bad.<br />
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I'm not saying we shouldn't feel fear because there's no legitimate reason to feel fear.<br />
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But fear cannot be the driving force behind something as important as who we think would make the best leader of our nation, and because we live in the nation we do, one of the most influential voices in the world.<br />
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As a Christian, I certainly hope and pray that the will of God will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. I believe if that were to happen we'd see a lot less heartbreak and I believe taking part in the political process is a significant way we can live out the faith we claim.<br />
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But I also know that we will have trouble in this world and voting, though significant, is far from the most important or the most guaranteed way that the will of God will be worked out in this world.<br />
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The fear of who our next president <i>could</i> be and what that person <i>could</i> do is never, ever, ever a reason to throw our support behind another who blatantly encourages things that have <i>nothing</i> to do with Jesus. As I read yesterday, "Choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil."<br />
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Are we bold enough to "throw our vote away" when our only choice is evil? Can we trust Christ enough to risk perceived security? This election represents a unique opportunity for Christians. I think we can paint more clearly what it is we are going on and on about: the restoration and redemption of all things <i>through Christ alone</i>.<br />
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We have reached a time where people are so exhausted from attempting to build crumbling towers to heaven, from attempting to build up edifices that guarantee safety, that they are putting their tools down and looking around for another answer.<br />
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Can we step away from our own towers and meet them with Jesus?<br />
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May it be so. May Christians choose our Great Hope instead of fear. May we be able to recognize our own desire for safety and security and surrender it to Christ. May we be brave enough to trust God over the empty promises of men and women.<br />
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May we stand on the truth that no political platform can guarantee that war and violence and disease will never cross our borders. May we recognize that this desire for a place free of these things is God given, that what are hearts are collectively gasping for is heaven.<br />
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May this desire drive us to the One who can drive out war, death, disease, pain, grief, and darkness. In fact, He has already done so.<br />
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It is only for us to wait in the tension, in the "already-but-not-yet" of Christ's Kingdom and proclaim that we have no need of towers. </div>
cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-42467947646582284322016-02-06T07:44:00.004-08:002016-02-06T07:48:38.012-08:00Good and Pregnant Kyle and I are expecting our third child.<br />
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We're a little late to posting something about it online this time. Both of us are what you like to call open books, so it came as a surprise to me that we were slow to get the news out.<br />
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Except I was also laying on the couch and trying not to vomit for the first twelve weeks, so maybe it's not that much of a surprise. My first two pregnancies were walks in the park, actually. This one has been a bit different. I'm sure Zeke and Evie are glad to see the mom they once knew emerging from a haze of fatigue and nausea, and I am too.<br />
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So now that we're three kids in, I have come to the conclusion that motherhood is extremely ordinary. At least, mothering little ones is, for me.<br />
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I've never been one of those, "a kid at heart," people. So being in a child's world hasn't been magical or uniquely fun. I love helping my kids learn new things, definitely, but I can only play trains or tea party for so long. I think my capacity for kid-world is a smidge smaller than some.<br />
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Which was hard for awhile. I felt guilty, like my kids would be robbed of the glittery, Elf on the Shelf, Pinterest level, bento lunchbox toting childhood that would (obviously) guarantee them a successful adulthood. Hormones made me think this.<br />
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Fortunately, I am finally learning that all of this "all moms are different and that's not bad" talk is, um, true.<br />
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I have read book after book after book after mommy blog that all said it. "We're different people, so of course we're going to be different moms. Quit looking at your friends elaborate birthday parties and start looking at what you're good at!"<br />
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Thus, I have come to the content place of realizing that my giftings don't flow seamlessly with the little years. They require a little creativity, to be honest. I love history and literature. I am passionate about theology and justice. I am emotionally salivating for the day when my children will finally be able to understand (on the most basic of levels) the plot line to the Chronicles of Narnia.<br />
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Until then we read The Jesus Storybook Bible, and we talk about God, and we pray for the Syrian refugees. We work on understanding the concept that others who are smaller and weaker should be met with compassion, not with taking their toys because they can't fight back.<br />
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And I celebrate each new stage that opens the door to new activities. Zeke is old enough to stand on a step stool and "help" me cook or bake. They color their Dusty Crophopper and Daniel Tiger coloring books and I read. They play outside while I try to keep my garden from dying.<br />
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The amazing things about little kids is that almost anything can be a game if you are excited enough about it. Even cleaning their room. The other day Zeke organized his toys to color coordinate with the bins he put them in. My administrative, organizational loving heart almost exploded.<br />
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Once I got over myself enough to admit that I wasn't a "certain" type of mom and that this wasn't going to scar my children, I stopped comparing and started learning from the moms who make each day special, and awesome, and an opportunity for joy. I have unashamedly ripped off ideas from random facebook friends. They are so good at it! Thank you, childhood-whisperer mothers, for helping the rest of us out who would solely rely on Daniel Tiger and Curious George to relate to our children.<br />
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To someone who loves and prefers adult world, a child's world is pretty ordinary. Broken crayons, dirty faces, laundry, diapers, etc, but a child's world is also (believe it or not) quiet - there's no deadlines, very little stress. It's soothing. It is filled with <i>contentment. </i><br />
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I have always struggled to be content. Watching my small children be satisfied with crayon nubs and a cheese stick has taught me a lot about being at peace in any situation.<br />
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For the first time, I am really looking forward to the newborn stage, in spite of the anxiety and sleep deprivation it brings. It also brings rest, and simplicity. It brings celebrations over the smallest things. A smile, small fingers wrapping around your hand, older siblings learning how to be gentle, a clean bathroom for the first time in two months.<br />
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Motherhood is ordinary, and it is good. It's good in the full sense of the word. Not the watered down one, the, "well it's good, but not great," kind of meaning; but rather the same kind of good the Lord saw when he looked at the fullness of His creation for the first time. The kind of good that brings wholeness, and deep peace.<br />
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We look forward to meeting our third child come August, and the ensuing dichotomy of chaos and rest that only a child can bring. It will be so good.cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-55611646054010050712015-11-17T06:31:00.002-08:002015-11-17T08:51:59.054-08:00How Do We Respond to the Refugee Crisis?Yesterday was hard, Church.<br />
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I read a lot of pain and frustration and fear and anger in articles and facebook posts. As a culture, we process our emotions online now. I don't really know if this is good or bad. I've seen some really powerful moments come from people processing their grief online, and some really ugly ones.<br />
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When it happens about an issue that the Church is fractured over, it's particularly ugly.<br />
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All day I was asking the Holy Spirit, "What do we do? How do we respond? Where is the unity when some in the Church are cheering and some are weeping?"<br />
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Here are a few thoughts I've been chewing on, things that all Christians can do no matter how you feel about Syrian refugees' place in our country:<br />
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<b>1. "Mourn with those who mourn....", Romans 12.15</b><br />
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Weep for the refugees, Church. Whether you believe they should come or not. Weep for the two million children who are without home, for the mothers whose arms are empty, for the fathers torn from their families. Weep for the violence that has already taken so many lives.<br />
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Grieve for those who died apart from Christ, for the lost who face the reality of death, daily. Weep for the innocent who are caught up in this ugly, festering mess.<br />
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<b><i>We can and must remain tender and love these people, whether you believe they are an enemy or a victim, we are commanded to love both. </i></b><br />
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<b>2. Give </b><br />
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We can help provide clothing and food and shelter to the refugees without them coming to us.<br />
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This is where the rubber will hit the road Church. There are ministries providing immediate assistance in Europe. The estimated cost to cover the needs of these people is in the billions. <br />
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<b><i>If we are unable to open up our homes, then let us open up our wallets. </i></b><br />
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<b><i><a href="http://www.samaritanspurse.org/donation-items/europe-refugee-relief/" target="_blank">Here is one ministry you could consider. </a></i></b><br />
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<b>3. Pray</b><br />
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"Do not be anxious in anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4. 6, 7<br />
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I'm going to leave a quote from one of my favorite authors:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.4667px;">"Now is not the time to despair. Now is the time to ask God to strengthen our faith, to move us beyond feelings and into movement because we trust Him and fully, sincerely, confidently know that His ways are THE answer to all that ails humanity...We know it. We believe it. <b>We know that God is big enough and good enough to save us down here in this broken place</b>, and we are actually Plan A to deliver His hope and love."</span><br />
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If we believe that God is who He says He is, than prayer is not a trite option. It is a powerful option. An option that could move the heavens and earth. An option just as powerful as giving financially.<br />
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Pray, Church. Pray that ISIS will be stopped. Pray that the Church would remain unified - that we would not let the enemy wreak even MORE havoc by fracturing the Church on top of fracturing families and countries. Pray that there would be creative and wise and wealthy and supremely intelligent people that will bend all their resources to helping.<br />
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Ask the Lord to show you, as an individual, what His will would be. Don't rely on someone else's conviction to form your own. Ask the Lord to form your conviction about this situation, and what you should do about that conviction.<br />
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Pray for our government officials as they face these hard decisions. Pray that they would be led in wisdom <b>and</b> compassion.<br />
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<b>4. Wrestle to Understand your Brother and Sister</b><br />
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I talked to a family member last night who has a different opinion about this situation than I do, and you know what? It calmed me down considerably. He challenged me with some hard questions that I could not answer. The issue became a little less black and white.<br />
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It didn't change my mind, but it did take the air out of my self-righteous indignation.<br />
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God desires unity. So strongly.<br />
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"I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. <b><i>May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me</i></b>." John 17.20-21<br />
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Let us not forsake the Gospel.<br />
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I believe it is possible that Christians can be unified in the face of such a heated and emotional debate. Because my hope is in the Great Redeemer. I believe that the Lord can and will bring an end to all this mess. It is why we can stand up in a situation like this and say, "This is atrocious, but it is not the end. This is evil, but it is not the victor."<br />
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We know the end of the story, Christians, let us now act like it.<br />
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Have mercy, Lord Jesus. We need you now more than ever.cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-22892774620044069762015-10-16T14:08:00.001-07:002015-10-16T14:32:29.510-07:00Baby Steps to Being an AdultLast year I sat down with Kyle at the beginning of Spring Break and we did our taxes. Here are a few observations about that last sentence:<br />
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1. We are in our late twenties, don't have kids that are school age, yet Spring Break is still a thing in our annual calendar. #collegeministry</div>
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2. We spent the majority of that week catching up on life management tasks (like taxes) because we have lives that need managing. </div>
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There is a tension in being around college students most of the time, but definitely <u>not</u> being a college student. It makes life different for me and Kyle in a lot of ways, and most of those ways I enjoy. </div>
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One of the things that I don't enjoy is being reminded that I am an adult, and no longer in college. Like having this exchange with a student: </div>
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Student: "Oh man, I woke up sooo early this morning, but it was good because I was able to clean my entire apartment and run a bunch of errands." </div>
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Me: "That's cool! (Keeping the jealousy out of my voice - but failing to keep it out of my heart - when thinking about an entire morning of unhindered productive time.) How early did you have to wake up?"</div>
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Student: "9.30." </div>
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Me: ........</div>
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Now, of course, many students do wake up early, and waking up early is not the only sign of adulthood, but things like this happen and make you realize, "We live a very different life." </div>
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So I have these moments a lot, moments where I am reminded that I have moved on from college, and am an adult that has to do things. </div>
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Also, in full disclosure, I get easily overwhelmed, so transitioning to adulthood was a lot like ripping off a bandaid that you have ignored for so long that it hurts way worse than it should have, and leaves behind that weird sticky residue that takes awhile to fall off. (That weird sticky residue being my adolescence, in this analogy.) </div>
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However, there has been marked progress in many different areas, and I am going to share a few just in case you, like me, are trying to figure out how to be responsible. </div>
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<b>1. I wake up before my kids now. </b></div>
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I don't even think I need to be tentative about this. Unequivocally, across the board, waking up before your kids is a thing that people do who don't want to feel like they were steamrolled by 8.15 in the morning. (There is the caveat that this rule doesn't apply to those with newborns or a child who wakes up multiple times a night because of sickness or inherent depravity.) </div>
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My mornings affect my whole day. If I have a bad morning, my tendency is to hate-spiral into procrastination, short-tempered outbursts, and a lot of TV watching for my kids (okay, and myself). If I have a good morning, I am inspiring to be around: clean house, homemade meals, and the tinkling laughter of my children floats through my house on the wings of praise and worship music. </div>
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Seriously, mornings really set the tone for our family. Instead of begrudgingly arising to hungry kids with soaked, overnight diapers, I asked Jesus to please wake me up earlier so that I could get a grip on my life. When - over the next week after this desperate prayer - I woke up sans alarm clock and way earlier than usual, I took this as a sign. </div>
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Now I get up, make coffee, get dressed, spend some time with Jesus, take a moment to look at my planner, make my bed, and even take a few minutes to increase the adult factor and <a href="http://www.theskimm.com/" target="_blank">skim the news</a>. </div>
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"What! You must wake up at like 5 am to accomplish all of this!" </div>
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No, I don't, because when you don't have children frolicking amongst your legs, you can get so much stuff done in a shocking amount of time. </div>
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<b>2. I developed a cleaning schedule. </b></div>
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This may be specific to those who are the primary caretakers of their children and/or homes, but for several years figuring out how to do my job (read: keep our house running) was extremely difficult. </div>
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I thrive in structure and routine, but I hate mundane work. I am exponentially more relaxed and at peace in a clean environment, but I hate cleaning. Do you see the problem here? </div>
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I would generally wait until something in our house got really dirty and then rage clean it. The problem was I could *feel* the dirt in the interim time periods. Managing a home involves a lot of repetitive tasks. There are precious few items that you can cross off your to do list and think, "Ahhh. I'll never have to do that again!" This drove me absolutely insane for the longest time. Also, every chore took about four days because I would let it get pretty dirty and because I'm dramatic. </div>
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Finally - after reading every mommy blog on the planet - I knew what I had to do. </div>
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First, I had to admit to myself and the world that laundry was going to happen every day. There was no denying it. Just like cooking and dishes, laundry is an every day chore. </div>
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Second, I had to break up the cleaning jobs so that I didn't hate them as much. I hate bathrooms the worst, so I broke up all the tasks that have to do with cleaning bathrooms over THREE DAYS, so that I don't have to deal with it for that long. </div>
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Third, I had to be reasonable and realize that I can't do a giant chore every day, some days our schedule is crazy because of my part-time job (hi, ministry) and so I saved light chores for those days. </div>
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Here is a general rundown of how this works: </div>
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Daily: One load of laundry, dishes, spot sweep, wipe down kitchen counters and table, pick up clutter, throw all of the kids toys into their room right before bed... pretty basic stuff. </div>
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Monday: Dusting & Decluttering </div>
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Tuesday: Thorough Sweep & Mop floors. This one actually rotates. One week I'll sweep and mop the bathrooms, the next I'll do the hallways and the dining room. I try to do the kitchen every week. And sometimes, I don't mop and just do a really thorough sweeping job. And sometimes, I don't do it at all. <br />
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Wednesday: Vacuum. Again, I try to vacuum all the bedrooms, but if I don't have time I'll just hit the main living areas. </div>
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Thursday: Clean Surfaces. By this I mean: bathroom counters, kitchen counters, mirrors, windows, kitchen appliances, etc. You may notice a pattern here but, I don't do all of these every week. But it's pretty easy to spray and wipe, so I get to at least a few. </div>
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Friday: Tubs & Toilets. Self-explanatory. </div>
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Saturday: Our sabbath - no cleaning or laundry or anything. We use paper plates and I cook as little as humanly possible. </div>
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Sunday: Maybe do some laundry, but try to keep this day low key as well, usually we have a lot of meetings and ministry responsibilities on this day. </div>
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<b>3. I use a planner. </b></div>
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It is insane how organized you have to be to manage a house, and we don't even have a big one. For you Downton Abbey fans out there, you may wonder, "What does Hughes actually <i>do</i>, besides bailing out the maids and crushing on Carson?" A LOT, okay? A WHOLE LOT. </div>
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A planner has been a huge help, and I use a paper planner because writing things down cements them into my head. My to-do list, appointments, meetings, etc. It's been a life-saver. </div>
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These are the ways I have been adulting lately, and I've noticed an increased amount of steadiness and peace in our home. </div>
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My mother-in-law once told me that it took her about five years of full-time stay-at-home management before she got the hang of it. This comforted me inexplicably. I've been doing it for almost three and a half, and still haven't figured out how to schedule doctors and dentist appointments for Kyle and I, but I have figured out how to keep my house from eating all of us alive... so it's a work in progress.<br />
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Any epiphanies you've had about how to be an adult? Please share! (And understand that I will likely steal it for my own life.)</div>
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Grace, </div>
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Christina </div>
cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-22487018496276319652015-10-13T07:59:00.000-07:002015-10-16T14:16:00.216-07:00Favorite Things UpdateBoth of my children are covered in yogurt and currently fighting over Legos, so I naturally decided this was an excellent time to write a blog post - since I couldn't have found a more convenient time in the last four months.<br />
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I wanted to do a brief update in the form of a "Favorite Things" list. </div>
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<b>Favorite Stage of Development: </b></div>
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Zeke has been potty trained for a few months now. Hallelujah. Well, day-trained. Since Kyle and I "decided" to have children twenty-one months apart, the name of our parenting game during this season is: sustainability. So Zeke is an underwear by day, diapers by night kind of kid. So far he's been doing great, and I am beginning to think night-training will not be the hellish experience I imagined it to be. #fingerscrossed</div>
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As of a few months ago, Evie is no longer nursing. Now, for the first time in almost four years, I am neither pregnant nor breastfeeding. </div>
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The first few weeks after Evie weaned I definitely drank all the caffeine in site. (Not really, but close.) Since then I have simmered down, and now have settled to a sincere appreciation for a lot of small things that I did not appreciate before pregnancy and breastfeeding. A lot more of life has moved from the "personal rights" column to the "privileges" column in my mind. I think this has made me a more pleasant person to be around, as a whole.<br />
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Also being able to drink two cups of coffee in a day... that makes me more pleasant too.<br />
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<b>Favorite TV Show: </b></div>
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Parenthood. We are on Season 5 and I'm sort of done with feeling the gamut of my emotional range every episode. But I can't stop watching it. Neither can Kyle. I have never cried while watching a TV show, but this one makes me cry regularly. I'm usually one of those, "Real life is hard enough, why watch shows that make me think about how hard real life is?" people, but this one keeps me coming back. The only downside is that Lauren Graham's character (who most know as the beloved Lorelei Gilmore) is 99% obnoxious, but I guess that's what happens when you've played a character on a previous TV show that was amazing. </div>
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<b>Favorite Books: </b></div>
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I recently finished Jim Gaffigan's <i>Dad is Fat</i>, which was hilarious. Actually I listened to it, which I think may have made it better because Gaffigan narrates it and I enjoy his comedic timing. Some of it was repeats from the stand-up shows he's done, but most of it was new to me. </div>
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I also just listened to (I've been on an audiobook kick lately) Jen Hatmaker's <i>For The Love</i>. I've been <strike>stalking</strike> reading her blog for a few years now, and I'm a fan. The best way to describe it is a collection of essays about life and faith. She's funny. Like real funny. Like the taking a chapter to tweet out your life pre-social media kind of funny. </div>
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<b>Favorite Podcasts: </b></div>
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I think I've just realized that listening to people talk while I'm doing laundry/dishes/making dinner/etc is a thing for me. Please don't hate me, but I've come to the conclusion that music isn't my thing. It just isn't. I enjoy it sometimes, but usually when there's a really specific purpose to it. Like a good cinematic score, or a long road trip, or worship, or a concert, or needing something loud and full of energy when I work out...but it is not something that I particularly like having on in the background all the time. </div>
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I like listening to people talk though? </div>
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Dan Carlin's Hardcore History and Things You Missed in History Class, I'm sure you see the theme there. I've really missed studying history since graduating, and these fill in the gap a bit. </div>
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I also listen to Matt Chandler's sermon podcast and Timothy Keller's. By and large they're my favorite teachers right now. </div>
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<b>Favorite Thing to Cook: </b></div>
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Recently, I have been cooking the business out of some breakfast tacos. All the time, breakfast tacos. </div>
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But specifically with some homemade salsa, and tortillas that you cook? bake? pan-bake? I don't know. They come in the form of raw dough circles, but since you prepare them immediately before you eat your taco they wind up tasting SO GOOD AND WARM AND FRESH. And I pretend they're healthier even though that is not grounded in facts of any kind. </div>
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<b>Favorite Thing to Look Forward To: </b></div>
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My little sister having her baby boy in November! (I am going to cry so much.)</div>
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One of our closest friend couples completing their YEARS long adoption journey! (SO MUCH TEARS.)</div>
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Our church plant team FINALLY beginning to regularly meet this week as a homegroup. (I am not going to cry, but I am going to make this group of people play obnoxious party games with me.) </div>
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<b>Favorite Workout: </b></div>
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You guys, I am taking a cardio dance class. I know. I KNOW. Can I just explain to people who don't know me that this is the most ridiculous thing ever? But I'm doing it, and I love it, and it is weird. This is probably the most consistently I've worked out and still enjoyed it. A few months ago Kyle and I went biking around his parents house, and I beat him to our destination, legitimately. </div>
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My husband is one of those people that is always in shape. Just, permanently... I don't get it. When I had a rare moment of being in better shape than him, it was a deep personal victory. </div>
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This went away after he played soccer for like, three weeks, but it still happened.<br />
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Other than that, Kyle and I went to a marriage conference a few weeks ago and it was amazing. It contained a lot of deep heart things that both of us are still processing. Things that I'd love to write and write and write and write about, but I'll have to wait because it would be a book, or at least one of those posts that you keep scrolling and scrolling and think, <i>"Will this never end?" </i>kind of like this one is sort of becoming.<br />
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Much Grace,<br />
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Christina </div>
<br />cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-90779598504817328692015-05-12T10:20:00.000-07:002015-05-12T10:25:19.196-07:00Sometimes, I Read Things<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Last fall, I realized that if I didn't change certain habits, Kyle was going to walk in one day and find me mindlessly staring at a Daniel The Tiger episode while my brain, in liquid form, was puddled about my feet.</div>
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In an attempt to keep that from happening, I have been reading more this semester. I never had a specific goal in mind, but with the general guidelines to avoid novels and pick up a book every once in awhile that was outside of my normal interests. <br />
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Not because I think novels are evil or beneath me, but because they usually draw me into a hole where I eat, sleep, bathe, and drink as little as possible until I'm finished with them. Since I am largely responsible for the existence of an almost three and one year old, I figured this was slightly unwise.<br />
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Here are the books I've read and my very intelligent & cultured opinions of them:<br />
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<b>Jesus Feminist // Sarah Bessey</b><br />
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Several years ago, this would have been my favorite book in the entire world. I imagine I would have waved it underneath everyone's noses and demanded they read it so it could change their lives too.<br />
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It may have helped me avoid a few unnecessary detours on my "Jesus and The Church and Women" journey. Bessey does an amazing job of approaching this topic with a lot of grace and an, "Everyone just calm the heck down and let's have a conversation about this, shall we?" mentality. I wish I could have read it when my soul felt a little dry and brittle from going full DaVinci Code on Scripture, trying to squeeze hidden meanings out of the Greek and scrape absolutes from verses that bless us all, just don't seem to have it.<br />
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All that being said, I didn't enjoy this book as much as I wanted. I felt lost, at times. In the back of my mind I kept thinking, "Yes... that's all so good, but what's the point of saying all of this, again?"<br />
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In this season, I've come to a place in my own journey of wanting more practical, hands-on, tangible things to chew on. This book, at least for me, didn't really provide that. Analogy time? It felt a little bit like a cup of hot tea with lemon when what I wanted was a protein shake.<br />
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<b>Fierce Convictions // Karen Swallow Prior</b><br />
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First, I love biographies. Some people don't, I get it.<br />
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Second, I love history. Some people don't, I get it.<br />
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These two facts predisposed me to enjoy this book. It's the story of Hannah More. Who was a prolific social justice writer in Britain during the turn of the nineteenth century. She was a peer of William Wilberforce, and on top of being involved in the abolitionist movement, had her hand in well, pretty much every social issue of the time. I found it interesting, though, that More was pretty conservative. She presented a dynamic personality to read about. I didn't always like her that much, to be honest. There were times I thought, "I don't know if I'd really want to be friends with you;" however, what she accomplished demands respect. In her time, it was not for nothing that a single middle-class woman of less than stellar parentage come to a place where she was financially independent. And, obviously, her role in abolishing the slave trade is an amazing story.<br />
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It's definitely worth the read, but if you're not one to pick up a history book and naturally enjoy it, this book may be a bit dry.<br />
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<b>Unbroken // Laura Hillenbrand</b><br />
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I didn't read Seabiscuit, because I find it hard to engage in stories that center around animals. This may make me an unfeeling block of no emotions, but it is what it is. To this day, even after becoming a parent, I do not understand the hype over Finding Nemo.<br />
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ANYWAY, I say all that so you can understand the impact of this next sentence: After reading Unbroken, I might read Seabiscuit.<br />
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You see, Seabiscuit, too, was written by Hillenbrand, and Unbroken might be my favorite book I've read this entire semester. It's the biography of Louis Zamerpini, a Japanese POW survivor from World War II. The story itself is amazing, but in the hands of a less capable writer it could have easily crumbled; or, heaven forbid, had it been made straight into a movie and the story never given the due diligence a book can afford to give it. I'm not even going to tell you anything about it because I don't want to ruin anything.<br />
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Okay, yes I am: at one point Zamperini, while holding his breath underwater to escape being shot at, punches sharks in the face. IN. THE. FACE.<br />
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More analogies? The movie was car repair shop coffee to the book's french press. Do. Not. watch the movie without reading this book. If you have to choose one, read the book. Please, for me. Thank you.<br />
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<b>Maude // Donna Mabry</b><br />
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I have a rule about sad biographies or memoirs: I will read ones written by Frank McCourt, and that's it.<br />
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Because a sad biography, no matter how fascinating, makes my heart feel like a flat balloon for like three days after I'm done with the book. Unless it's written by Frank McCourt, who is incredibly good at writing purpose into pain, in my humble opinion. Maude kind of ended like this:<br />
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So she laid down and thought about how if she had been a better/different/braver person her life would not have absolutely sucked. The End.<br />
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I won't go all the way and say that I shouldn't have read it, because I enjoyed the realistic look at a woman's life during this specific time period in our country, but it was by far my least favorite book on this list.<br />
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<b>I Want My Hat Back // Jon Klassen</b><br />
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My sister got this for Zeke last Christmas, I believe. We pulled it out sometime in February and it is hands down my favorite children's book of the moment.<br />
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Probably in part (spoiler alert!!) because the bear totally eats the rabbit who stole his hat. Finally, a book that more appropriately displays a predatory animal's capabilities.<br />
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Plus the illustrations are not a visual equivalent to eating an entire can of icing. I enjoy kids books that are a little less stimulating.<br />
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<b>The Wounded Heart // Dr. Dan Allender</b><br />
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This was my intense read of the semester. It took me the longest to finish because of the topic. Dr. Allender does an excellent job of communicating the compassion he has for victims of childhood sexual abuse, all the while telling their stories with respect.<br />
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It's an excellent book, I just had to walk away from it every once in awhile to remind myself that the world can be a good place too, as well as one that is full of very difficult, evil things.<br />
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I'll be frank, having not gone through sexually abusive experiences during my childhood, I have often been left grasping for things to say when the topic comes up with people that have. I want to emphasize that by no means was my desire to equip myself to attempt to seriously counsel people through processing something like this. That is for people (like Dr. Allender) who have given their lives to the study of helping people find healing & wholeness in the wake of sexual abuse. However, being in a job that involves talking to people about vulnerable things, where this has and will continue to come up, it felt irresponsible to not familiarize myself with it in some way.<br />
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I say all of this because if you are in my shoes, I would highly recommend this book. Empathy is in high demand and low supply these days, and for me at least, this book helped increase my empathy for those who were sexually abused as children. I also feel like it made the topic less scary to approach. Just as difficult, certainly, but less scary. I imagine it would help those who did experience sexual abuse as well, but can't speak with the utmost confidence because of my ignorance. In summary: do not pick up if you're needing something emotionally light & airy, but if you have little to no knowledge of sexual abuse and would like to educate yourself on the effects sexual abuse has on a persons mind, body, & soul, it's worth a read.<br />
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<b>The Jesus I Never Knew // Phillip Yancey</b><br />
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I listened to this book, technically, rather than reading it, but I still count it. Several years ago I read Yancey's, <i>What's So Amazing About Grace?</i> and loved it. Ever since then I've wanted to read more by him but never got around to it.<br />
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I'm glad I did. For me, the word for Yancey's writing is refreshing. Something about the way he approaches Jesus feels like fresh air blowing through a stuffy room. I appreciated the way he highlighted Jesus' humanity, never sacrificing his deity in the process.<br />
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It's hard to write about Jesus. None of us have ever met him in the flesh, and he is - literally - the only human of his kind. Completely God, completely man. One of us, and not, all at the same time. He was holy & hungry. I felt closer to Jesus when reading (listening to?) this book, which is, obviously, a good thing.<br />
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<b>Bread & Wine // Shauna Niequist</b><br />
<b><br /></b>This was my first Shauna Niequist book, and fell into the category of "things I wouldn't normally pick up to read." She has a specific style that I happen to enjoy every once in awhile. That is, it feels like a conversation you're having with a friend that may go somewhere or it may not, but it doesn't matter because the point is to just be - not accomplish a task.<br />
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It wasn't a recipe book, at all, though it did have recipes. It felt like a combination of a spiritual memoir, a book about food and the place it has in our culture, and a recipe book all in one.<br />
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What I enjoyed was her vulnerability. She was honest about her shortcomings with food and, even more so, honest about the fact that she doesn't have everything figured out yet. She also discusses her journey through trying to conceive while three miscarriages. There were times I wished I could cry right alongside her. I think being able to write about hard things in a way that moves people to empathy, but isn't despairing or hopeless, is hard to do - but she did it. She also made me laugh out loud, and at the risk of sounding unbelievably pretentious, whenever a book can make me do that I consider it a win.<br />
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<b>Abba's Child // Brennan Manning </b><br />
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Well, I cried a lot. Recently I felt prompted by the Lord to dig deeper into the meaning of grace. I have been wanting to pick up Brennan Manning's books for awhile, and as I was reaching for a theology book to delve into grace I felt the Lord specifically put Manning's name on my heart.<br />
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I'll let you know if I should have started with The Ragamuffin Gospel after I read it. For now I'll just say, that if you have a hard time connecting with God, if seeing Him as a kind father is something you are really thirsting for, this is a good book to read.<br />
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However, I think this is also a "right place, right time" book. Where I'm at is a right place and right time for me. So if you pick it up and it doesn't do much for you, try again in a year. Just make sure you definitely try again.<br />
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<b>The Reason for God // Timothy Keller </b><br />
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Things that fall along the lines of theology and apologetics waken my heart. I have always been a student and always will be. I connect to God deeply through the study of His Person and His Word. Some of my most intense moments of worship have been over a church history book or during an exegetical teaching. I understand this is not everyone's cup of tea, so my perception of this book may be biased.<br />
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If you have an agnostic friend that genuinely is curious about this whole "God" thing, give them this book.<br />
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If you have a Christian friend that is going through a period of intense doubt, this book may not be what they need, but it might be worth them picking it up.<br />
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This was the first book I've read by Keller. I've read his wife's work before, and what I appreciate about both of them is their methodical approach. To say they're books are well thought out is an understatement.<br />
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So, if Bread & Wine was a long conversation, this book feels more like a college lecture -a really good lecture, like the kind that make you want to give your whole life to study whatever the professor is lecturing about. Both are good and needed, but very different.<br />
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What books have you been reading lately? I love any and all recommendations. :) </div>
cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-75537287651536738452015-05-09T12:50:00.000-07:002015-05-12T10:20:44.945-07:00To the College GraduatesWhen I first decided to go into campus ministry, it was because I thought people do a lot of the "becoming who they're going to be" in college. A lot of life decisions are made, for good or bad. I wanted to be part of that. I wanted to bring Jesus into the lives of those who hadn't met Him, and I wanted to help those who already had.<br />
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I still think college is a time of great change and figuring out who you are and all that, but it's not the reason I'm still in campus ministry.<br />
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I'm here because of what people face after college: life, death, joy, pain, laughter & sorrow. Life can be exactly what you wanted, but it can also knock your knees out from underneath you, leaving you flat on your back and wondering, "How did I get here?" Usually it's a bit of both.<br />
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I'm convinced that all of that, all of life, is best lived surrendered to Jesus, and I'd like to do what I can to help people figure that out sooner rather than later.<br />
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So every graduation season I feel a bit emotional, because I'm reminded of why I'm doing this, and if I could sit down with every graduate I know, this is what I would tell them:<br />
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<b>Find your people. </b><br />
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How can I say this casually? This is a non-negotiable. No matter what our culture tries to feed you, you cannot conquer life by yourself. No one is that cool. <b>No one.</b><br />
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Though life after college is not an episode of Friends, there is a reason that show resonates with so many.<br />
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Find a group of people that are committed to loving you in your crappiest moments, because you will probably have more than a few of them; people who will gracefully question your decision making skills; people that know you well enough to ask the questions that need to be asked; people worth listening to when it comes to seeking advice about things like who you should marry, if you should move to a different city for that job opportunity, and if you should buy a house or a car or get that tattoo; most importantly, <i><b>people you can be brave enough to ask for help in your weakest moments</b></i>. Don't worry, you'll know what I'm talking about when it happens, because everything in you will desire to wall up and figure it out by yourself.<br />
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Life after college is not an episode of Friends because what I'm talking about is <i>hard.</i> This involves getting hurt, sometimes badly. It involves forgiveness, and awkwardness, and stumbling over your words, and clumsily loving other human beings. There are times you may wound or be wounded and a small voice says, "I don't really know if this is worth it."<br />
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It is worth it. <br />
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<b>Separate your identity from your calling, and find both. </b><br />
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A year from now, you might be working at Starbucks. You might find yourself living at home with your parents, working whatever job you could find because your deferment is up on your student loans.<br />
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You may find yourself in your dream job, and life is exactly where you wanted it to be. You may find yourself in your dream job but still feel empty and restless when you lay down at night. Who knows, no one does because you're not there yet.<br />
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Your worth does not lay in whatever fills your waking hours. It does not lay in whatever company's name is on your paycheck. It does not lay in the accolades of man, awards you receive, and your accomplishments. It certainly does not lay in the lack of these things. It lays in the heart of God, and His love for you. <br />
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That being said, figuring out the thing which fills you with life, even when it's at its absolute hardest, is a search that is worth your time, energy, and sacrifice. Figure out what you are called to do, but hold in an open hand whatever that calling may be. Understand that it may not look like you thought, and there may be a season that you're not pursuing your calling. This bears no weight on your worth as a human being.<br />
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<b>Choose sacrifice over comfort. </b><br />
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I can say almost absolutely, because of the culture we live in, to not actively fight against materialism and escapism is to succumb to it.<br />
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It seems awkward to me, to get all stirred up about things like Netflix and Facebook, but I've seen the horrifying amount of opportunities in our world for people to escape so they don't have to deal with life, and it makes me angry.<br />
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I've done it. I am doing it. It is a daily struggle for me to <i>not</i> do it.<br />
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Please hear me say that there are many things that offer comfort that are not inherently evil. I totally have a Facebook profile and my husband and I just finished watching Parks & Rec through for the second time on Amazon Prime.<br />
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I think I feel this so passionately because in my own life, and in the life of many around me, I have seen so much potential wasted.<br />
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I see mighty hearts that are capable of loving people in a way that makes me weep, I see courage the likes that this world hasn't experienced in a long time, I see people that carry peace with them and wrap it around every body in the room as if this was something as easy as breathing.<br />
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These are not exaggerations. These are gifts that I've witnessed, and I've seen myself, and people with gifts like these, choose a TV show over loving someone who needs it. Choose what is easy over what is hard.<br />
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I want to emphasize that periodically checking out - whatever that looks like - so that you can take a break from people is a healthy thing to do. We all need breaks, or we'd crash and burn.<br />
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But don't choose comfort over sacrifice. The world needs human beings who bring their potent gifts of healing to hard situations, who are capable of engaging in hard things way more than it needs people who know what happened last week on Grey's.<br />
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<b>Learn how to grieve disappointment. </b><br />
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This has recently been added to my prayer because it is something I have just begun learning. This is something people talk about a lot, but you can't tangibly understand it until you've experienced it.<br />
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Life is hard. There will be small disappointments and big ones. There will be parties cancelled because of weather and there will be deaths of those you love. Learn how to weep, learn how to mourn, and learn how to do this in a safe community. <br />
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The price of not grieving is cynicism or callousness, which leads - in my opinion - to an unaffected heart.<br />
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"The unaffected heart is one of the dark mysteries of human existence. It beats dispassionately in human beings with lazy minds, listless attitudes, unused talents, and buried hopes.... Years wasted in vain regrets, energies dissipated in haphazard relationships and projects, emotions blunted, passive before whatever experiences the day brings, they are like snoring sleepers who resent having their peace disturbed. Their existential mistrust of God, the world, and even themselves underlies their inability to make a passionate commitment to anyone or anything." - Brennan Manning<br />
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<b>Choose Jesus. </b><br />
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Ahead of you is so much. I'm only six years in front of you and there are times it feels like an eternity has passed since sitting in that auditorium, because of how much life can be squeezed out of each day.<br />
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Some days that life will be joy and laughter and song and you will go to sleep thinking, "What is this beauty that I've been allowed to witness?" Some days it will feel like the life is being squeezed out of you. You'll be sucker-punched, left empty, disillusionment will be your bed fellow. David describes it in the Psalms:<br />
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<i>I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint. My heart has turned to wax; it has melted within me.</i><br />
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At the end of each day, no matter what it brings, will be Jesus. You will find Him among your people, He will secure your identity and communicate your calling, He has lived our chief example of what it looks like to choose sacrifice over comfort, and He will weep with you - in mourning and joy.<br />
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It is important to understand that your life may not fall apart if you don't choose Jesus over all else. This is the truth: there are many, many people who live life and don't choose Jesus. Their lives are full of good things, and often they experience less hardship than those who do choose Jesus.<br />
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So the point of choosing Him is not a guarantee against pain. It's not a get out of jail free card, in fact in many places it is literally quite the opposite. <br />
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Choose Christ because He is real and He is the source of everything that is real. Even those who don't choose Christ experience real goodness, and real love, and real life because God is a good God and extends us the grace of experiencing Him during our time on earth.<br />
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The difference is, those that never choose Him will never understand where the real things they have come from, and when things disappoint or break down or are lost, as they are prone to do, they are without anchor.<br />
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May you find your people.<br />
May you understand the difference between your identity and your calling, and find both.<br />
May you choose sacrifice over comfort.<br />
May you learn how to grieve well.<br />
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And may you choose Jesus above all things.cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-26991935798515468122015-03-05T13:41:00.001-08:002015-03-05T13:41:56.086-08:00Fruit of the Spirit Series // PeaceClick for posts on <a href="http://mrskroeger.blogspot.com/2014/11/fruit-of-spirit-series-love.html" target="_blank">love</a> and <a href="http://mrskroeger.blogspot.com/2015/01/fruit-of-spirit-series-joy.html" target="_blank">joy</a>.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">peace.</span></b></div>
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<i>"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16.33 </i></div>
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I turn 28 in two days. This seems pretty young to me. I use to feel overwhelmed by how "old" I was getting, but somewhere after my 25th birthday I realized that was simply the shock of becoming an adult.<br />
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Now that I've stopped feeling overwhelmed (for the most part), I feel really young. Like a weird baby-adult. A babult.<br />
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Anyway.<br />
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Birthdays were always a big deal to me when I was in middle school & high school. I always thought I'd wake up the morning of my birthday... better. Like all the physically flawed bits of myself would have died in the night with my childish former age. This, of course, never happened.<br />
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When I hit college, it wasn't as much my physical flaws that I wished changed, but emotional, spiritual, & mental ones. I wanted to wake up mature, wise, sophisticated... basically I wanted to wake up as the coolest person on the planet. This, of course, also never happened.<br />
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So for a long time, birthdays would come and go and I'd always be kind of surprised, and disappointed, at how much<i> the same</i> I felt as the person I was on my birthday the year before. (If you think it says something about my personality that I expected some secret-birthday-magic change every year, even though it didn't happen any year previous, you'd be right.)<br />
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The thought never occurred to me to look back more than one birthday - probably because the younger you are you don't have a ton of birthdays to "look back" on, really. Now, though, I can look back AN ENTIRE DECADE, and find there someone who was legally considered an adult. (lolz)<br />
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I'm not sure if this introspective-birthday is now a habit of mine or what, but it happened unintentionally while reading Tim Keller's <i>The Reason for God. </i><br />
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There is a section where Keller talks about the ramifications of humans placing their identity in things other than Christ: wealth, intellectual abilities, success, etc, and how (ironically) the more we place our identity in things that *aren't* Christ, the less we become. Eventually, Keller argues, we will only become that <i>thing</i>. We will lose who we are completely. Humans, trying to fill a need we were never intended to fill, wind up achieving the exact opposite of the desired goal. If you place your identity in being successful<i>, </i>you will become nothing <i>but</i> your success, and should you eventually fail, you will be nothing at all.<br />
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As I was reading this part of the book, a wave of deep gratitude rolled through me. I pictured myself, ten years ago, and saw a young woman who had placed her identity in many things outside of Jesus.<br />
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I had placed my sense of self in the hands of my friends, my intellectual capabilities, my accomplishments, the romantic interest of men, and my all around awesome-ness. As much as I'd like to say so, that last one is not a joke.<br />
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That young woman was also incredibly bound up in fear. The thought of any one of these identities being taken from me would kind of send me into a panicky restlessness: rejected by a guy I liked, getting poor grades, one of my friends being mad at me, the thought of never accomplishing anything, the thought of being flawed on any level deeper than, "Sorry I was a bit rude to you, I'm just really hungry," etc.<br />
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When one of them would be shown lacking, maybe not quite as stable as I needed them to be, I would fight. The fear of them failing me bound me more and more. Like a trap that holds you tighter the more you struggle.<br />
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When I realized that my false identities weren't going to cut it, my life crumbled around me. Who would I be if not (insert whatever)? <b>Who would want me if I wasn't those things?</b><br />
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So instead of facing this hot mess of an emotional situation, I ran. Because I'm a babult and I deal with things, right?<br />
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I eventually fell into a heap of exhausted, empty emotions. That trap bound all the tighter from my own efforts to free myself.<br />
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Then Jesus came.<br />
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He began the process of stripping away each and every one of my false identities, he came alongside me when I was all bound up and placed His hand on my face, bent His head down and touched His forehead to mine, and said, <i>"I am here, and this fear will not destroy you." </i><br />
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He pointed to those repulsive and beautiful scars on His hands and said, <i>"Right here. Your peace is right here. I walked through hell and conquered it so that you could have access to me when you face your own hell, and I've got all the peace you need." </i><br />
<i><br /></i>And He sat with me, slowly loosening those fear-bindings until they gave way. And then, even (especially?) when it turned out my fears might have been true, I faced them with a strength & peace that was not my own.<br />
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Now, I'm a woman who is a whole lot less than who she was ten years ago, but has by the grace of God become a whole lot more. And possibly the best part has been less fear, and more peace. <br />
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Peace, to me, is stronger than just an emotion. It does not (thankfully) require perfection, because it is far greater than our circumstances.<br />
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(This seems to be a running theme with these Fruit of the Spirit. That they are at their truest form when they blossom counter-intuitively.)<br />
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As I've learned how to place my identity in Jesus, in my scarred Savior, my <i>self</i> becomes more stable. I know the Lord is not done and though I have placed my identity in Christ, there are deeper and deeper places for Him to replace whatever junk I've tried to prop myself up on with Him. From what I've experienced so far, it is beyond worth it.<br />
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When I wake up in the morning, the woman who stands before me is becoming increasingly peaceful. Content. Steady. That is nothing short of a miracle.<br />
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So, even before my birthday came this year, I realized there <i>has</i> been quite a change. Though it has nothing to do with any ridiculous birthday magic.cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-41556015716217837142015-01-01T09:29:00.000-08:002015-01-01T09:29:45.901-08:00Fruit of the Spirit Series // Joy<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="http://mrskroeger.blogspot.com/2014/11/fruit-of-spirit-series-love.html" target="_blank">Click for post on love</a>.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>joy.</b></span></div>
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This second fruit of the Spirit has woven itself into the beginning of my year.<br />
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Resolved: To be full of joy. To be a steadfast shimmer of light in this dark world.<br />
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This was a hard year for all of us, I think. Nations on the brink of war, rumors of militant groups slaughtering children, an outbreak of disease that showed us maybe the <i>real</i> disease we're all facing is fear as much as anything else, our own nation thrown into turmoil as the death of a young man shows us wounds can stay open & fester for a long time - centuries, even.<br />
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Sometimes I wonder if joy has a lot more to do with looking at all the hard and not wavering - keeping our light shining steady, than it has to do with being in a good mood all the time.<br />
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At the dawn of this new year I would like to be more of a lighthouse, than a firework.<br />
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Because it was also a good year, but the good in our world is becoming a lot more hidden. The things that are good, <b>really good</b>, are covered in layers of cheap distraction & bad news.<br />
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We (and by we I do, in fact, mean me) bounce back and forth between Buzzfeed lists that quote our favorite TV shows and viral fear-mongering articles.<br />
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And we miss the good.<br />
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My daughter was born this year.<br />
My son began speaking, and just a few weeks ago wrapped his chubby arms around my neck, pressed his sticky face to my check and said, "I love you, Momma."<br />
Kyle & I celebrated five years of forging a life together.<br />
A friendship in our lives was healed from deep conflict.<br />
Stories like this are happening. "When I think about a life of greatness, I think about a life of service.":<br />
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Joy is a precious commodity, which means as a follower of Christ it is all the more important for me to pursue it. To be filled by it, and share it with others. The purpose of these fruits, after all. is to be a sign. A flag we bear that makes us different. </div>
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<b>We're supposed to be different. </b></div>
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As this year begins we have choices ahead of us.</div>
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We could be fireworks. Bright flashes consumed by moments of instant gratification, of easy happiness. </div>
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Or, we could be lighthouses. The huge stone building that is battered by wind and wave but comes up out of the rock, strong and steady. That shines out a light, warning against danger, helping others find their way out of the darkness and into safe harbor. That offers deep gladness & delight even, in it's warmth & steadfastness. </div>
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Lighthouses that offer hope, and therefore joy, in a world that's dark. </div>
cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-24026127248284656642014-11-19T15:35:00.002-08:002015-01-01T09:30:03.253-08:00Fruit of the Spirit Series // LoveI mentioned in a <a href="http://mrskroeger.blogspot.com/2014/09/living-by-spirit.html" target="_blank">previous post</a> how the Lord has called me to understand more of what it means to live by the Spirit; thus, I thought a good exercise would be to write a post on the individual fruit of the Spirit. Here's the first:<br />
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love.</h1>
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So here's the way I see it, these fruit are two fold.<br />
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Equal parts discipline & promise.<br />
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Paul mentions that those who sow in the Spirit will reap life. I believe, during the seasons in which I've been particularly disciplined to sow in love, I reap it.<br />
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Not to say, exactly, that if I am more loving to others than others will be more loving to me. There might be a little bit of truth in that, but really it seems that the more I choose to place others above myself, the more I am able to do it.<br />
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If I consistently guard my thoughts against entitlement & frustration when I have to keep sacrificing on behalf of my little ones, it becomes easier to do so.<br />
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There have been a few times, even, that I have been filled with joy at three in the morning. Completely content as I wake up again, and again, and again to meet the needs of my kids.<br />
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I know. Miraculous.<br />
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If my husband is going through a season at work that is busier than usual, where he is gone every other night of the week on top of having long days; and, though I know he loves me, in all practicality he doesn't get that much time to show it. During these seasons, if I discipline my mind to not begrudge him my own love because he has not been able to give me much of his, I find it becomes more natural to love him freely. I cease to care if we've been loving each other in equal measure.<br />
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I have been pretty terrible at that one, actually. But I shoot for the stars, nonetheless.<br />
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I believe love is one of the most scandalous fruit because it is extremely unfair. Love, at least the sort Paul is talking about, doesn't often worry itself with if it's needs are being returned or what tomorrow will look like if it extends itself too much.<br />
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It calls us to sacrifice things that might be valid needs for the benefit of another. It pushes us to the limit and tells us to not expect a standing ovation for it, but rather be thankful for the opportunity to be pushed.<br />
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Perhaps it is in human nature to walk the opposite direction of sacrificial, holy love? It is mine. I will, if left to my own devices, hardly ever choose someone over myself.<br />
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I will, even, be unloving against my own mind, body, and soul. I will choose my immediate desires and wishes over what would be best for me.<br />
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I will choose what is easy over what is good.<br />
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By grace, though, I have been made new. By grace, I am able to live a life by the Spirit, and it is by this Spirit that I am able to choose, <i>willingly</i>, to sacrifice.<br />
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This passage has been particularly convicting as I think about how evident this fruit may (or may not) be in my life:<br />
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"Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love. God showed how much He loved us by sending His one and only Son into the world so that we may have eternal life through Him. This is real love - not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and His love is brought to full expression in us." - 1 John 4.7-12, NLT<br />
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This is real love. The Gospel.<br />
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This fruit is tied to the message Christians are supposed to proclaiming as often as we can. Perhaps that is why Paul says that out of faith, hope, and love, the greatest is love.<br />
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Or why the two greatest commandments both have to do with love. First, to love God and second, to love others.<br />
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Here are some conclusions I have drawn about love:<br />
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<b>It is a non-negotiable. </b>We must love. To love and to follow Christ cannot exist outside of each other.<br />
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<b>It is complicated.</b> It is a weak, flat sort of love (if, indeed, it could even be called love at all) that only exists when it is agreeing with everyone, and it is a rash sort of love that burns the candle at both ends and feeds its passion on feelings. I do not advocate a love that divorces itself from truth, or running oneself into a brick wall of burn-out. To love well is complicated and hard. I think that's why the Holy Spirit is absolutely essential. He is the source of healthy, life-giving love.<br />
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<b>It starts small</b>. It's common to see stories/blog posts/videos about these people who do insanely selfless things. There was an adoption video that went viral awhile back about a family who has adopted several children with special needs. And everyone (including myself) thinks, "How do they do that?"<br />
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Maybe their journey began by letting their spouse choose what TV show they would watch that night, or giving their kids the last scoop of their favorite ice cream. Something mundane.<br />
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Look where it ended.<br />
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I am convinced that, done by the Holy Spirit, an act of sacrificial love does not return void.<br />
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This encourages me. It encourages me because my heart, like Dr. Seuss so aptly said of the Grinch, feels "two sizes too small" in a lot of areas.<br />
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To know that I do not love as I should, but that it is well within the Spirit's power within me to forge the same radical, scandalous love that held Christ's hands to the cross rolls a burden off my back.<br />
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Because I desire to love like that. I recognize I am too small a person to do so currently, but there was a time when the way I love now seemed impossible. (Like the waking up at 3am thing....)<br />
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I am asking the Lord to grow a dangerous love in me. I am scared to ask for this, but the Spirit within me presses me on to ask for it anyway. </div>
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cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-59960228386993550732014-10-11T10:11:00.000-07:002014-10-11T10:16:34.329-07:00How to Have a Discussion Online Without Making Jesus Sad This is something I've been wondering for awhile. Now that we live in an online world, every time something rocks the church, Christians go to bat for their theological camps on facebook, twitter, tumblr, etc.<br />
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And y'all, we can all see it gets ugly.<br />
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So how does this help our witness? How can we enter into messy places and have discussions that are driven by honor and respect rather than anger and indignation?<br />
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How do we not compromise our convictions while being loving <i>online? </i>Where there's less margin for error. It's possible, sure, to get to know someone online, but is it really possible to know them fully? Where does this leave us, as Christians? How do we defend a faith that is becoming pretty counter-cultural in a culture that is becoming increasingly isolating?<br />
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I love writing. I love blogs. I love the ability to discuss how the Christian faith saturates every facet of our lives, and what that even means. Motherhood, the environment, politics, third-world relations, roles in marriage, etc.<br />
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I just wish we could do it in a way that would honor the Man we claim to worship.<br />
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So these are a few things I've come up with, some are more practical, some are more principle. I'd love to know your thoughts as well!<br />
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Here we go:<br />
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<b>1. DO NOT TYPE IN CAPS TO EMPHASIZE YOUR POINT.</b><br />
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Even if it's EVERY FEW WORDS. Typing in caps really does sound like YOU MIGHT BE YELLING. Or at least speaking VERY FIRMLY. This does not help the situation. Would you speak like this IN REAL LIFE? With a COMPLETE STRANGER or with someone you know but are having a SERIOUS DISCUSSION WITH? Probably not.<br />
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It adds tension because the chances of them interpreting that in an unnecessarily aggressive way are pretty high.<br />
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<b>2. Try not to respond when you are having all the feels.</b><br />
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Can I just say this is my worst habit? If you're about to rip into someone because they said something that bothered you, sit back for a minute or thirty.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, it's important to pay attention to why something made us feel sad/angry/hurt, and be able to express that. It's just that we may not be doing our own emotions justice, or writing in the most grace-filled way when all we can see is rage. And we might fall on using all caps to try and rage-type our emotions onto the screen instead of using the English language.<br />
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<b>3. They will know you by your fruit... so be a little patient, eh?</b><br />
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Be patient. There's roughly a 95% chance you'll be misunderstood. It's incredibly hard to be concise, coherent, <i>and</i> communicate an appropriate tone when writing. If you're misunderstood, brush it off. Take another stab at explaining your viewpoint from a different angle.<br />
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Be kind. Give people dignity, honor, and respect. Especially if you know they're wrong. Don't mock their ignorance if they happen to get in over their heads in a discussion. And seriously, brothers & sisters, <b>do not ever call someone a derogatory name online. </b>We are not in preschool.<br />
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Have self-control. Know when to bow out. There comes a point when you have to realize that nothing more can really be done by continuing a discussion.<br />
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Be peaceful. Don't respond to low blows. Don't give any low blows yourself, and that includes passive-aggressive ones.<br />
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<b>4. It's all about the journey, not the destination. </b><br />
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Realizing that comment threads are rarely places that someone's theological or belief-system-forming journey <i>ends </i>is helpful. Sure, we want to give people something to think about, to chew on, as well as process different ways of seeing an idea ourselves. That's the whole point. I think the power of discussion (and, particularly, the written word) is immense. That's why I feel it's so important to know how to do it <i>well</i>.<br />
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I just don't think people are going to change their entire value system because of someone's ability to out argue them on a comment thread.<br />
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<b>5. Apologize when you have done something wrong. </b><br />
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Did you assume something about the person that was wrong? Could you have communicated your point better? Were you condescending? <b><i>Did you call someone a name? </i></b>Then own up to it. <br />
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I have several more but that would make this post unbearably long, plus I really do want to hear other people's thoughts on this.<br />
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What do you think? What should our online behavior look like, as Christians?<br />
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<br />cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-41943001816163053592014-09-14T14:50:00.001-07:002014-09-14T14:52:59.027-07:00Living By The Spirit<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhih2rd8tDBpYIvu1_xJLfGMnqvQGjwUwocAQvL1ggolw4Sc4oRZaKAMxPTWq3V-JQ5xLpvUW1pFEgavUzPJo2BNe7nQMqJpYgDzWffnwKy-Zv7e3ISTDo_kuFxL-SRyoY9TmY1ZlYLq_s/s1600/DSC_4910.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhih2rd8tDBpYIvu1_xJLfGMnqvQGjwUwocAQvL1ggolw4Sc4oRZaKAMxPTWq3V-JQ5xLpvUW1pFEgavUzPJo2BNe7nQMqJpYgDzWffnwKy-Zv7e3ISTDo_kuFxL-SRyoY9TmY1ZlYLq_s/s1600/DSC_4910.JPG" height="262" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Trying to enjoy as many of these sunsets as possible before it gets cold (and by cold I mean below 70 degrees). I don't know what sunsets have to do with living by the Spirit, but look at that sky!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This semester, I would like to grow in living by the Spirit. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Which, for me at least, is one of those facets of Christianity that has been more about word than deed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I don't mean my speech is perfectly spirit-filled, so now I just need to focus on my actions. No, that's definitely not what I mean. Maybe I'll get there when I'm eighty or never. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I mean I talk about living by the Spirit, or being "out of the Spirit" a lot, but actually don't have a great tangible hold on what this looks like in day-to-day life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Like when my two year old starts rough housing and kicks me right in the chest while I'm putting him to bed, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">or when Kyle is cranky because he hasn't eaten in 12 hours and I'm like, "All we have are cheese sticks and peanut butter crackers because I subsist on toddler food while you're at work," and then we get in a low-blood sugar fight, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">or, in ministry, when I see people heading for a brick wall and because there's this pesky thing called "free will" I can't stop them, and they won't listen to me (since, duh, I'm always right). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've definitely experienced living by the Spirit before. When life feels a little bit like fingernails scraping across a chalkboard, and I'm unnaturally (supernaturally?) at peace, rested, able to love those around me in a way that is beyond my own ability. I have compassion for people, I have grace, I <i>notice</i> people, instead of brushing humanity under the rug of my own life and agenda. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Those are the moments I think, "THIS. This is what Paul goes on about." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But for the most part these moments are few and far between. I want to develop the discipline of living by the Spirit. I wish it was like plugging into an outlet or flipping some secret "Spirit-filled" switch, but it's not. I think it's like working out, which, you know, I'm <i>so</i> good at. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To be fair, Paul did try to warn us, right? All that talk about, "running a race," wasn't for nothing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To cease living in my own strength and begin to live by the power of the Spirit is a discipline. One that, as I take steps further into marriage, motherhood, and ministry I realize I cannot do without. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Could Kyle and I have a decent marriage in our own strength? Sure, maybe. I don't know because I really don't want to try. I do know that I hope to understand my husband to a degree that requires us to love each other by the Spirit. To build our marriage into a place where both of us feel safe will require a level of forgiveness, and trust, and hope that I believe must be born and fed by the Spirit. I have felt what it is to be loved by the Spirit of God, and it is sweeter than anything or anyone. I think the Spirit can teach me to love Kyle better than any other person could. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Could I be a good mom in my own strength? Sure, maybe. But I also know my tendencies. My bent toward perfection, my drive for achievement and self-glory. How unnatural it is for me to stop in the middle of a busy work day and hug my children. I desperately want my children to feel loved because they are here. Because they exist. Not because of anything they did or did not do. The one place I have felt this in my own life is in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I think the Spirit can teach me to be a better mother than any other person could. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Could I do ministry in my own strength? Sure, maybe... for awhile. To be honest, I don't know if I will make it unless I learn how to access the infinite, available, in-Him-all-things-are-possible power of the great I Am. I can't tell you this for sure, but I believe laying among the ashes of many a burnt-out ministry is the tendency to try and be the hands and feet of Christ without the power of Christ. I know the Spirit can teach me how to be a better minister of His Gospel than any other person could... It is His, after all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the end, <i>it's just not worth the risk to try this life on my own. </i>Even at the ripe, young age of 27 I see the collateral damage of a Spirit-less life. It is not something of which I want any part. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So these are my verses for the semester, may my life become a reflection of them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: <b>love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. </b>Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit's leading in every part of our lives." - Gal 5. 22-25 NLT</span></div>
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cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-16665675400292600322014-08-25T20:34:00.002-07:002014-08-25T20:35:03.304-07:00From the BeginningThe students are pouring into town this week.<br />
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Even though it means I won't be able to eat at Panera for the next nine months because there will be a perpetual line out the door; or I will be surrounded by oversized t-shirts, exercise pants, riding boots, fishing shirts, and very, very loud trucks; or that driving around town on home-game weekends will be an almost nightmare, I love this time of year. For a few reasons. <br />
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First, I love school. Like a lot. I loved the upper floors of Evans Library because I love the smell of old books. I loved class discussion and lectures and even how a blank Blue Book looked waiting to be scribbled over. Written testimonies of minds-in-progress, those Blue Books. A high calling.<br />
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So even though I am not in school anymore, I still enjoy being in a largely academic environment when the semester kicks off.<br />
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Second, I love freshmen. Every year draws me further away from that time period, but it was a pivotal one for me. I feel a warmth toward each wave of not-quite-adults that invades College Station every fall.<br />
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Freshmen, I think, are looking for a few things. They want to be taken seriously, and they want to be part of something bigger.<br />
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And by taken seriously I don't mean they want to be serious all the time. I think they just want to be treated like the adults they aren't yet, or more accurately, treated how they always imagined adults are treated, which I think is somewhere in the neighborhood of their lives looking like they are on the set of Gossip Girl, or Friends, or both.<br />
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That's how I remember feeling, anyway. I wanted to be so cool and mysterious and work in a coffee shop and listen to records.<br />
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I wasn't cool, or mysterious, and I spent a lot of money in coffee shops. I did eventually listen to (my friend's) John Denver records on (my friend's) record player.<br />
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I think Jesus answers this desire to be taken seriously in such an incredible way.<br />
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One of my favorite things to do is ask a freshman what they are hoping to do with their lives, not because they need an answer to that question, but because they're just beginning to realize that <b>they're the ones that get to answer it.<i> </i></b><br />
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I wanted so badly for someone to take my passion seriously, even though it was yet immature and not channeled. Christ did.<br />
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I believe He takes our passions and lives more seriously than anyone or anything else ever could. Because He gave them to us. It is an honor to watch college students realize this.<br />
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More importantly, He takes us, His pursuit of us, very seriously. Watching college students experience the intimate pursuit of Yeshua of their hearts, souls, and minds is humbling.<br />
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Not only does Christ take freshmen seriously, but He invites them to be part of something bigger than anything or anyone else.<br />
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Bigger than finding the love of their life.<br />
Bigger than achieving their highest goal.<br />
Bigger than gaining any amount of recognition.<br />
Bigger than whatever temporal measure of success they currently have.<br />
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So, while it is true many have begun this process long before they hit college, many are just now starting it. This is why I think freshmen are so cool, they are at the beginning of so many parts of life. They are at the beginning of most major decisions, and Christ is waiting for them.<br />
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Waiting to walk with them. To be their Savior & Lord. To give them a serious calling and bring them into a bigger cause than anything they could have dreamed up on their own.<br />
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Right there, from the beginning.cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-5726106651428371692014-07-31T20:24:00.000-07:002014-07-31T20:30:47.497-07:00You AreOne of the biggest messages the world is selling women today is that they are not enough.<br />
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It's more than just the magazine covers, isn't it?<br />
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It's watching the politicians and career women who's names will likely go down in history books while wondering what difference our own lives make.<br />
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It's reading the super mommy bloggers who give their children organic peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cut into seasonal-themed shapes and do so without getting a spot of peanut butter and/or jelly on their throw rug that they bought from Pottery Barn while wondering how long the cheerio we just noticed adhered to the carpet has been there.<br />
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It's seeing the free-spirits on instagram who travel the world, keep their beauty and mystery, decorate their studio aparments with old bicycles and tribal masks and survive on herbal tea and soy-based products while we fall into bed in tshirts and our husbands' sweatpants and try not to calculate how many hours of sleep we can feasibly get before being woken up by our toddler.<br />
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Our filters are overwhelmed with it from every angle, that it seems impossible to realize that these women don't actually exist. The ones we see on the magazines, on the news, online.<br />
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We can't do a thing to make the world stop feeding us this message, I'm afraid. Ever. It is not in its best interest to do so. There's too much to sell, too much money to be made in the make-them-feel-like-they're-not-enough business.<br />
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The world tries to fill those places of <i>not enough</i> with boxes and bags and how-to books and burdens that are perfectly packaged, incredibly costly, and absolutely empty. They fill you for about as long as it takes to unwrap them.<br />
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Yesterday I sat with women who are all looking to Jesus. Coffee cups filled and emptied and low conversation and laughter spread through the room and my own heart filled with peace.<br />
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Christ, I believe with absolute certainty, is the only solid foundation in our world.<br />
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Because the world is enticing us to focus on everything we don't have, and Christ commands our focus be on what we've been given.<br />
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He is a shelter in the storm of <i>Not Enough</i>.<br />
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He fills up those places that scream emptiness with His hope and strength, and without changing a single circumstance, we find our heads lifting and our hearts at peace.<br />
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His Spirit fills us with this truth:<br />
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<i>You are not enough. </i><br />
<i>But you are mine. </i><br />
<i>And that is enough. </i><br />
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In late October, some women who have been seeking the Lord and working extremely hard will be hosting a conference in College Station. I'm pretty excited about going and asking the Lord to remind me of who I am, and who He is.<br />
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This conference, I believe, can be an oasis, or a fill station, depending on how you look at it, of truth in our world that inundates us with lies. Taking the time to back away, look to Jesus, and give Him the opportunity to recalibrate our lives is imperative.<br />
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Take the time to watch the video below or <a href="http://www.youareconference.com/" target="_blank">check out the website</a>, and I hope to see you in October:<br />
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cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-49806526953322851312014-07-14T12:25:00.000-07:002014-07-14T12:34:43.008-07:00What I Did this Summer, Instead of Writing In the past eight weeks, I began about twenty posts that I never finished. We have been traveling non-stop since mid-May and our days have been full of support raising, spending time with family, and bouncing back and forth between Kyle's & my parents' homes.<br />
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In spite of the crazy, I feel like I've spent the summer collecting small moments of peace, the ones tucked into the corners of the day that are easy to miss, sometimes. Early mornings with Jesus & coffee, date nights with Kyle, sweet conversations with my parents and in-laws, and a few never-change-out-of-pajamas days with Z & V.<br />
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So here, in the form of (we'll call it) a photo essay, is what I've been doing this summer, instead of writing:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxx3qhTF-dJyg8m21Cz4pk0icJJm6VdFAM5q2M8TNo9LteTbGcioloJDzkSoiT2VsQTMP_7LUvLZ_w6BcJvjaqWYKzpuNZGXb4yMZ-5Ip_phuo4HEW_KsHrz5-YT4u7Bkc6DIvQo_otCg/s1600/IMG_20140604_202559.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxx3qhTF-dJyg8m21Cz4pk0icJJm6VdFAM5q2M8TNo9LteTbGcioloJDzkSoiT2VsQTMP_7LUvLZ_w6BcJvjaqWYKzpuNZGXb4yMZ-5Ip_phuo4HEW_KsHrz5-YT4u7Bkc6DIvQo_otCg/s1600/IMG_20140604_202559.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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<b>I went outside. </b>This has been the first summer in five years that I am 1. in Texas and 2. not pregnant, so I tried to get outside as much as possible. I was, ironically, trying to write when I took this picture but I wound up closing my laptop and soaking in the sunset instead. Sunsets in the Texas hill country are my absolute favorite. I don't want this to sound like a bad country song but, fyi, they are even better when you're drinking a beer. </div>
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<b>Playing with V.</b> I have been holding this blue-eyed beauty and soaking in the baby smell and soft skin. Babies change so much during their first year, especially, that sometimes it really does feel negligent to not watch them wiggle & grow in front of you. </div>
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<b>Celebrating Z's second birthday. </b>HOW IS HE ALREADY TWO? We threw a co-birthday party with some of our best friends, who's little boy's birthday is the day after Z's. This didn't really take up a crazy amount of time, but throwing a birthday party for littles was more work than I anticipated. Next year we will probably do something really glamorous like setting up a baby pool and inviting some of Z's friends over for chocolate chip cookies. </div>
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I chose this picture because it has Z and his buddy who was turning one (the bald cutie in the front), and they are both staring at that poor child on the right like they have no time for his problems, and could he please move out of the way and not ruin their party? thankyouverymuch. </div>
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<b>Went to a wedding and hung out with good friends, without our kids, aka we had fun. </b>Don't get me wrong, kids are fun, but so is having an uninterrupted, hilarious conversation with good friends, staying up late, and then sleeping without the ambience of the faint hum of a baby monitor. It's a different fun. One that we haven't had in awhile.<b> </b> Grandparents who babysit little ones overnight are proof that you still do selfless things for your children even when they are almost thirty. This picture was taken at the rehearsal dinner of our friends' wedding. Kyle was the best man, and we had a beautiful time celebrating these two amazing people getting hitched. </div>
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And we did so with the circle of friends that we went through college with. If Boy Meets World would ever get its act together and make a made-for-TV reunion movie, I imagine it would feel a lot like this weekend did. Also, some of our male friends have paired up with ladies that I loved getting to know. Good job, gentlemen, good job. </div>
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<b>Kept Z alive without the use of an insane amount of TV. </b>This activity probably took up 80% of my undivided attention this summer. Two-year-olds have this admirable trait of wanting to squeeze every. ounce. of. life. from their day, which also happens to feel, sometimes, like they are squeezing every. ounce. of. life. out of you. </div>
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But then, you catch moments like the one in the photo above and think, "It's a short time in life that you can run around covered in marker, wearing nothing but a lavender headband and a diaper, and experience no social repercussions, so I'll let you enjoy it." </div>
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He is crazy. And amazing. </div>
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And we watched a lot of Curious George. </div>
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Yesterday the pastor at my parents' church spoke about thankfulness. At the end of the service he asked people to come up to the front and, on small slips of paper, write out their thanks and place them in jars. In testament to how God has softened my heart, ten years ago this is something I would have rolled my eyes at. Yesterday, though, I saw something holy about the Body giving an offering of thanks in such a tangible way.<br />
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A more serious reflection of my summer would show an impatient woman who has been not exactly content with the season I'm in. As I was scribbling on my slip of paper, I realized that God has been incredibly good to me in this season of waiting.<br />
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And I'm sure this is the way it works for everyone, but I'm always amazed at how, once I stop dwelling on the idea that I'm not getting what I believe I deserve, I usually find that I'm receiving even more.<br />
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Hope your summer has been beautiful.cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-70047109191683760882014-05-07T10:35:00.000-07:002014-07-13T14:17:36.018-07:00When God Told Me to Quit Whining The Lord asked me to give up complaining for Lent. <br />
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The transition to motherhood was pretty hard for me. I've never been a "go-with-the-flow" sort of person, and there are days and weeks of motherhood that are pretty much all <i>flow</i>. I just got caught up in the 1, 462, 863 daily details that come with raising a child. So I began voicing my frustrations, often, and mostly to Kyle. </div>
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When Lent came around this year, I felt the urge to do some sort of fast, but honestly couldn't think of anything. My two token fasts: caffeine and Facebook, were out. I'd already given up Facebook, I was barely drinking caffeine because of the pregnancy, which also prevented me from doing any kind of food fast. (Okay I guess I could have given up sugar, but thankfully the Lord didn't convict me to do that because ALL THE CRAVINGS were happening.)</div>
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I prayed about it a few days, and then the Holy Spirit spoke pretty directly to my heart and said, "Work toward giving up complaining." </div>
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It was kind of an embarrassing thing to admit, to be honest. At first I wasn't sure if I heard correctly. I was all, "Lord, <i>complaining</i>? Isn't there something a bit more, I don't know... <i>serious</i> that we could work on?" </div>
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And then He was all, </div>
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"Do <b>everything without complaining </b>or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life." -- Phil. 2:14-16a<br />
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As if that wasn't enough, Z hit a whole new "whiny" stage of his own. He having way more of an excuse than I, since he lacks most basic communication skills. Still - on a particularly bad day when my patience was past gone I turned toward him and said (as my eye was twitching), "STOP. WHINING."<br />
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And then I felt a tiny little voice (let's call it the Holy Spirit) say, "He can only do what he sees you doing."<br />
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Ew. </div>
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It's been kind of messy, actually. It's not like God gave me a twelve-step process to be free of negativity, but there are a few new habits I've begun to cultivate. </div>
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- <i>Filling my mind with positive things</i>. Too Oprah? Maybe, but it works; and way more importantly, it's also scriptural. (Phil. 4:8) This doesn't mean burying my head in the sand, not by any stretch of the imagination. It's a pretty simple filter actually: will reading/watching/listening to/thinking about [blank] help me look more like Jesus?<br />
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Jesus was able to engage the world without turning into a hot mess of pessimism. I figure I could attempt to do the same.<br />
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- <i>Being thankful. </i>I have attempted to work on this ever since reading Ann Voskamp's <i>1000 Gifts</i>. It's a sloooowwww process. I try to think of five things, every day, for which I'm thankful. Some days it's pretty easy, other days it's not.<br />
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When I was in highschool, my youth pastor challenged us to take someone we didn't like and for two weeks, every time a negative thought popped into our head, stop and think about something positive about that person. Doesn't matter how trivial it is. "Wow... their hair is always so clean." You know, whatever you can drum up.<br />
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I tried the experiment and found myself enjoying conversations with someone that a few weeks previous it was hard for me to be in the same room with.<br />
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So my most recent step has been to take not just people, but everything in my life that is a source frustration, and replace the negative thoughts with something about it or them that I'm thankful for.<br />
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And it's working out pretty well.<br />
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Granted, there are the small, trite inconveniences that I really just need to get over... I've found these are the easier things to stop complaining about, obviously.<br />
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And then there are the not so trite, kind of sensitive areas of hurt and disappointment that I don't think the Lord is asking me to, "just get over." There's a lot of pain in this world and I don't think Jesus wants us to mask it with a false Pollyanna-esque cheerfulness. I think He just wants us to trust Him. Trust Him more than we do ourselves.<br />
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Trust Him when we really <i>can't</i> keep our heads above water. When it seems impossible to focus on anything except how unfair or difficult our situation in life is. Truthfully, it seems hypocritical to write all that knowing how absolutely terrible I am at it.<br />
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But I guess that's why God told me to quit whining, so I can try to start trusting Him instead. </div>
cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3871941248593442111.post-41207608211351652162014-04-19T15:43:00.000-07:002014-07-13T14:17:11.158-07:00V's Birth Story // Natural v. Medicated Birth<i>Click <a href="http://mrskroeger.blogspot.com/2012/06/zs-birth-story.html">here</a> for Z's birth story.</i><br />
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She's here! April 7, at 5:38am. Kyle is convinced that we're fated to have babies in the middle of the night, and I guess since we're two for two he may be right.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taken at the hospital, with my cell phone. We did snap a few actual pictures with our actual camera, but I fear she's already doomed to the "second child" fate because I think Z's entire first 24 hours was documented on film. </td></tr>
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I find it interesting the way things happened with V, because for most of her pregnancy I was planning on going the natural route again. About two months away from my due date, however, I began experiencing a lot of fear about the birth itself - mainly, that I didn't want to do it.<br />
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Which is a common thing for pregnant women to feel, I've been told. The fear of birth made sense to me, even in my most hormonal moments. I don't know any woman who has children because she enjoys labor and the recovery process. Talk to us six months after, when our baby is cute and chubby and *hopefully* sleeping through most of, if not all of, the night, and the <b>incredibly insane *whatever* that our body just did has all but left our memory.</b><br />
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In addition to the normal fear, Z's birth wasn't entirely smooth - and the recovery process well, sucked. But everyone was saying, "Don't worry! Second births are way easier!" God and I had several conversations about it, and the whole time I felt like He was saying, "I'll be there with you, Christina. Don't worry. Trust me."<br />
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I went to a refresher class for the Bradley Method, which we used with Z, and I walked away encouraged. Reminded about all the tools that I had at my disposal to walk through this birth without the use of an epidural.<br />
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And in spite of all these good things, there I still stood, a few weeks out and feeling a bit <i>hesitant</i> about the whole thing, even though I had done it before.<br />
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Over the next few weeks I focused my energy on getting ready for her to be here. I was excited about <b>her</b>, you know. The little one kicking around inside of me. It was just the process of her arriving that was making me nervous.<br />
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Really, looking back, I simply lacked the same confidence I had going into the Z's birth. There was this weird assurance that I could do it. Not a big deal for some, but if you know me and my very low pain tolerance - the fact that I'd be so confident to give birth without pain medication was very likely a supernatural grace.<br />
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With V - it just <i>felt so different</i>.<br />
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On Sunday morning, I woke up having contractions that were 20ish minutes apart. This continued all day. They were not painful at all, very much what I remember from "early labor" with Z. So I went to church, went to lunch with Kyle's parents (who came in town hoping V might show up that weekend), and then took a nap. The rest of the day I walked, and walked, and walked. We went to the mall and walked until they closed, and then went and ate dinner at a restaurant within walking distance from our house. The whole time, my contractions wouldn't get closer together than twelve to fifteen minutes.<br />
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Then, after dinner they started picking up a bit. I was excited, and we got our overnight hospital bag ready with last minute items. Then all of a sudden, they shifted back to 20 minutes apart. LAME. Though still not painful, the contractions had bumped up to, "If this keeps up all night - I will be a hot mess in the morning," status.<br />
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At some point after we went to bed, I began to get all panicky, like, "WHAT IF I LABOR FOR THE NEXT TWO DAYS LIKE THIS. WHAT IF MY LABOR IS HORRENDOUS. WHAT IF. WHAT IF. WHAT IF."<br />
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So, after I calmed down and my breathing returned to normal, that verse in Philippians where Paul straight up tells us to not be anxious in anything (I assume this includes birth) and rather to, you know, talk to God about it, ran through my head.<br />
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So I did, and for the first time during the whole pregnancy - when I finally calmed down enough to just let God talk to me, I felt Him ask:<br />
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"Christina, why aren't you considering an epidural?"<br />
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Me: "Ummm... because I did it this way last time? And because if I get an epidural that means I caved."<br />
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God: "Yeaaahh... those don't really seem like good enough reasons to me."<br />
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And you know, they weren't. Just like that, my heart was flooded with peace, and I turned to Kyle (who was asleep), poked him in the side and said, "Kyle, I'm choosing to get an epidural this time."<br />
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And he half mumbled something like, "Sounds great, Babe." And then fell back asleep. <br />
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Something I've mentioned on this blog before is how labor can slow down, or stop all together, when there's an unprocessed fear/source of anxiety. Well, as soon as I made the decision to go with an epidural, my contractions started coming <i>super fast</i>. They went from barely squeaking under ten minutes apart to to being 3 to 4 minutes apart in like, half an hour.<br />
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We scrambled to throw all of our stuff in the car, woke up Kyle's parents so they could take Zeke, and took off to the hospital. At this point my contractions still weren't that intense. I wasn't able to talk to anyone during the contractions, but in between I was pretty chipper. (To be honest the only reason we left was because of how close my contractions were - if I had gone based on pain, we may have been pulling into the hospital around the same time V decided to make her appearance.)<br />
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Oddly enough - I had zero contractions on the car ride over - which didn't bother me because nothing is quite as obnoxious as laboring when you're sitting up with a seat belt on. My first contraction that may or may not have made me curse (in my head - my father-in-law was in the car with us) happened right when we pulled into the ER.<br />
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Now, if you've ever had a baby at the hospital, you know that they encourage you to "pre-register" so that you don't have to fill out a million forms when you show up and a baby is trying to shove their way out of you. We have done this both times, and I have yet to understand that in spite of this, there are still about 500 million questions you must answer about yourself and your family's health history before they check you in. To be fair, this is one of the very few issues I have with hospitals. But still, when your uterus feels like it's being turned inside out at the same time that someone is taking a sledgehammer to your pelvis, you don't really want to have to think about if your siblings have ever had asthma.<br />
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The contractions kept coming, and as I said they had now hit the, "not responsible for my words/actions," level on the pain scale. When the labor & delivery nurse showed up to escort me to my room, I was literally on my knees leaning over the check-in counter, and asked her if I could, "please... <i>please</i>... not use the wheelchair." She let me walk up to the room. Bless her. (Contractions, believe it or not, are actually way less painful when you can be up and moving.)<br />
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I labored for about an hour and a half before the anesthesiologist showed up.<br />
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Another thing: I <b>hate</b> needles. To be honest, it's one of the reasons that I even began to consider a natural birth with Zeke. Who wants a GIANT NEEDLE being plunged into their spine? I was incredibly nervous. Especially because they make you watch this video (I kid you not, again, while the sledgehammer is going) about all the things that can go wrong with an epidural.<br />
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Here's the thing though, they shoot you with a local anesthetic so I didn't even feel the epidural. I mean, I felt a weird little poke but that's it. Getting my IV hurt worse than the epidural did. And after that weird little poke?<br />
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I felt nothing. And it was glorious indeed.<br />
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I giggled and talked with my sister-in-law for the next two hours while Kyle slept on the floor. (I was too full of adrenaline to sleep.) And then I began feeling the urge to push a little bit, and with each contraction it became harder not to push. The nurse told me that she'd come and check me at 6.00, and around 5.15 I buzzed her because I really didn't think I'd make it that long. Sure enough she came in and after checking me, quickly called my doctor to come.<br />
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My OB walked in around 5:30, I woke up Kyle, and after a few pushes, V came into this world eight minutes later.<br />
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My recovery, compared to Z, has been light years easier.<br />
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So now you may be thinking, "Um.... are you trying to convince me that natural birth is crazy?"<br />
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No. I believe that natural birth was exactly how I was supposed to have Z, and I'm not ruling it out for future children, either. In fact, my OB told me when Z was born that not getting an epidural likely played a huge role in the fact that I wound up not needing a C-Section. Since I didn't get one, I was able to feel everything that was happening, which made my pushing way more effective.<br />
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However, with V, my OB told me that getting an epidural is probably what made the recovery so much easier. I was able to wait and not rush through the last few pushes, which gave my body plenty of time to relax.<br />
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I believe birth, like everything in life, is a spiritual thing. There were times during this process that part of me kept feeling like I might be "over-spiritualizing" it, or something. But that just wasn't the case.<br />
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So now, where I stand on natural v. medicated is to be Spirit-led each time. I will tell you that I am so grateful that I live in a time that I have a choice. And I'm overwhelmed with gratefulness that our V is here, safe, and so am I. <br />
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God has this crazy way of giving us exactly what we need, even when we try and fight it.<br />
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cakroegerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09457472460755477832noreply@blogger.com2