Being Made New

I've never been great at making resolutions... rather good at breaking them, though.

Sometimes, I stand at the edge of a new year and instead of gazing out before me, I turn around and reflect on what's behind.

It's a hard line to walk, to look at our past and not be ashamed or trapped by it, to not dwell in seasons that are now over, or regret things that can't be helped anymore.

But to learn, and then change.

I think change is a little bit like standing outside, in the cold & whipping new year's wind, to feel wild & alive. Even when really, what is easier, is to return to all that is warm and safe and comfortable and same.

It may be fitting, then, that new years dawn clear and cold. A time for resolutions, which are really just changes all grown up and wrapped in intensity.

So, even though I've always been better at breaking than making, here's mine:

1. Read & review twelve books.

One a month. A challenge, since my reading has significantly dropped since graduating college, but not in a scary, why-do-I-feel-like-I-just-set-myself-up-for-failure, kind of way.

2. Develop and keep to a budget.

Something about having a kid makes you think more seriously about college funds and life insurance and planning for things like braces and broken legs.

3. Grow in being a comfort to those who are grieving. 

This past year grief has come up in my life a few times and it froze me. Rendered my tongue still and my hands motionless at my side - frozen with the fear of doing something wrong.

I heard once that comfort, it means "with strength," and I would like to learn how to bring strength to those who have suffered loss.

I don't think that means swooping in and trying to be the strong one when loss rips through people's lives, but maybe learning to mourn with those who mourn? Because maybe it takes strength and gives strength to sit with someone in their grief and not be scared by it? Maybe it is comforting to have someone who is brave enough to scale their own walls so we're not left alone in our grief.

Loss is too unfortunate a reality in our world to not know how to do this, I think.

4. To keep growing in loving the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. 

Not just for this new year, but for every new day. Because this commandment, the greatest one, is one of newness. It is one for every morning, where His mercy is new and I can be remade into something new by His grace.

It is good to be made new and it is a good God that walks us through the process slowly. I struggle with wishing that I could just be finished with the breaking and growing and changing, but this new year I see that to change in an instant would be to miss all that Christ did. It would take away from the goodness of the cross.

Why would I want to miss seeing His rescue of me in all of it's glory? 

Two resolutions for all that is measured & practical and two resolutions for all that is grown into slowly, full of little moments that are sometimes beyond human notice.

Any resolutions for your new year?

Resolution

I spent time reflecting on last year and decided there was much I would do differently. Regret is too strong a word and I've tangled with guilt too many times to dwell; however, I do want to learn. If 2010 was a year of remorse & redemption, then 2011 was a year of chiseling. My heels were plowed into my own self-will, and refused to yield much ground to change.

For lack of better elocution: It's time for fear and my own rebellion to cease getting in the way of what God is trying to do with my life. 

This brought me to James, which is a book that I avoided because reading it always left me feeling like a terrible Christian. (Again, the guilt.) I was reading through it last week, struggling with the same "not quite measuring up" feelings, when two unexpected verses dripped all through the cracks and dryness of performance and saturated my soul with hope:

"Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom; 

because judgement without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. 

Mercy triumphs over judgement!" 

James 2.12 (NIV)

And the Holy Spirit tucked His finger under my chin, lifted my head to gaze at Christ and said:

"This especially applies to you, dear one." 

I cannot express how that truth shakes the core of me & how if I understood this fully, it would completely change how I treat God, my husband, my friends & family, complete strangers, and particularly myself. I don't believe James unintentionally wrote about a law that breathes freedom in the midst of his exhortations toward action.

Have you ever met someone who has taken the truth of what Christ did and allowed it to radically change them? I mean deeply shake up and turn over all of their conceptions of who they are, and who others are, in light of Christ?

It is after this last year that I realized I am most definitely not one of those people and I absolutely long to be; and, that I cannot be one of those people, those God-bringers, on my own.

They not only speak and act as if they will be judged by the law that brings freedom, but they understand that they will be judged and it doesn't scare them.

It doesn't scare them because they have allowed the Gospel to instill the truth that Christ really has taken care of all of it and they fling their world-weary souls on their Savior and never look back.

Oh, to be one of them.

Rather than one of those waiting in fear & anxiety for the other shoe to drop, because surely the words "Judge" and "Lover" cannot be synonymous, ...

... or those who assume in hard-heartedness that such a love could not exist, that One who claims to be a source of complete freedom, but requires so much, cannot be trusted ...

... instead, to be among the joyful who run into the throne room of Christ and throw their arms around their Lawgiver, because they understood and have been longing to finally be restored to the One who judged them with mercy. 

Who gave them living water that they drank of & in turn, lavished on others.
Who gave them unshakable security & refreshing humility that they accepted & in turn, loved people deeply.
Who erased the striving, fear, guilt & shame that they learned not to run back to & in turn, were living testimonies of being more than conquerors.


To become one of these is a resolution worth keeping. 

A New Year's Hope

My thoughts about the New Year have been brewing for the past week. After attending a conference the last week of 2011 that, fittingly enough, was centered around life-visions & life-dreams, my heart has been churning with what God would ask of me this year.

Those thoughts are still in the works, yet I did think that instead of making a list of irresolute resolutions, I would photograph what some of my hopes are for the upcoming year.

This post was inspired when I looked up from my computer & saw this: 

Last week a friend of mine was sharing her story about when she decided to follow Christ. One morning she was sitting on her front porch and realized that was the first time in awhile she had felt the sun on her skin. At that point she realized that Jesus was to her soul what a spring sun is to those who have just been through winter. These flowers reminded me of her. 

I hope to spend more time soaking in the beauty of following Christ ... 

... to read & listen & therefore, act ...

... to watch dough rise & stews simmer & boil over; then, to pray for my family's & my hope to do the same ...

... to write ...

... and not just watch. 

And to honor and unselfishly love those in my life who have changed me forever, especially one person in particular...

What are your hopes? 

Oh, no! Not another New Year Resolution blog!

Don't worry, it's not!

I definitely enjoy thinking back on the previous year and writing down a few things I've learned, but I have given up on New Year's resolutions entirely. Especially because I'm incapable of making reasonable ones.

"I'll read four books this year. No, wait, one book a month! Heck, I'll just write a book this year! I WILL WRITE THE GREATEST PIECE OF TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY AMERICAN LITERATURE!"

What I should say is that I'll blog once every three months and watch the entire six seasons of The Office ... again.

I did want to share some of my favorite photos from the past year - one for every month.

January :: Taken at my cousin's rehearsal dinner. It was one great weekend.

February ::  Everytime it snows in Texas it's worth taking a picture, especially when you create the ugliest snowmen ever known to man. 

March :: I celebrated my birthday by beginning to raise support for college ministry! The drive home from staff training was long and we got lost for three hours in the Floridian panhandle, but seeing this in the sky made me smile. 

April ::  Joyeuses Pacques! I  think that means Happy Easter in French. We drove to Louisiana to celebrate Easter cajun-style.  Mmmm ...crawfish.  

May ::  We make our way to Colorado for Leadership Training. Kyle & I had the greatest road trip ever. 

June ::  Hard to beat the view in Estes Park. 

July :: One of my favorite moments this summer was being with my sister when she decided to be baptized.  

August ::  We moved in to our home and (finally) unpacked all of our wedding gifts - after only 9 months! Cousin bought me a house-warming plant which  hasn't died...  yet.  

September :: I love college football! 

October ::  Fifty years together - my grandparents are amazing. Every time I hear their story I bawl like a baby. 

November ::  Celebrating one year together definitely gave me a lot of reasons to be thankful. I love this man. This picture was taken at one of those shady mall parking lot carnivals, and we wound up getting so sick we laid on our living room floor for two hours afterwards, trying not to vomit. That's what true love is all about. 

December :: It's not Christmas without Grandma's Sourdough Cherry Rolls.  

That's our year in nutshell! Definitely looking forward to the next one. :)