I've never been great at making resolutions... rather good at breaking them, though.
Sometimes, I stand at the edge of a new year and instead of gazing out before me, I turn around and reflect on what's behind.
It's a hard line to walk, to look at our past and not be ashamed or trapped by it, to not dwell in seasons that are now over, or regret things that can't be helped anymore.
But to learn, and then change.
I think change is a little bit like standing outside, in the cold & whipping new year's wind, to feel wild & alive. Even when really, what is easier, is to return to all that is warm and safe and comfortable and same.
It may be fitting, then, that new years dawn clear and cold. A time for resolutions, which are really just changes all grown up and wrapped in intensity.
So, even though I've always been better at breaking than making, here's mine:
1. Read & review twelve books.
One a month. A challenge, since my reading has significantly dropped since graduating college, but not in a scary, why-do-I-feel-like-I-just-set-myself-up-for-failure, kind of way.
2. Develop and keep to a budget.
Something about having a kid makes you think more seriously about college funds and life insurance and planning for things like braces and broken legs.
3. Grow in being a comfort to those who are grieving.
This past year grief has come up in my life a few times and it froze me. Rendered my tongue still and my hands motionless at my side - frozen with the fear of doing something wrong.
I heard once that comfort, it means "with strength," and I would like to learn how to bring strength to those who have suffered loss.
I don't think that means swooping in and trying to be the strong one when loss rips through people's lives, but maybe learning to mourn with those who mourn? Because maybe it takes strength and gives strength to sit with someone in their grief and not be scared by it? Maybe it is comforting to have someone who is brave enough to scale their own walls so we're not left alone in our grief.
Loss is too unfortunate a reality in our world to not know how to do this, I think.
4. To keep growing in loving the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.
Not just for this new year, but for every new day. Because this commandment, the greatest one, is one of newness. It is one for every morning, where His mercy is new and I can be remade into something new by His grace.
It is good to be made new and it is a good God that walks us through the process slowly. I struggle with wishing that I could just be finished with the breaking and growing and changing, but this new year I see that to change in an instant would be to miss all that Christ did. It would take away from the goodness of the cross.
Why would I want to miss seeing His rescue of me in all of it's glory?
Two resolutions for all that is measured & practical and two resolutions for all that is grown into slowly, full of little moments that are sometimes beyond human notice.
Any resolutions for your new year?