Redeeming the Authority of God

Last weekend I attended a conference that was all about resting in the presence of the Lord. I was completely set and prepared to be encouraged, comforted, restored...maybe even healed!

The closer the conference got, the more ambivalent I became. But I knew I was supposed to go, I just wasn't sure why.

I got out of the car Friday morning and asked God, "Why am I here? This feels weird to be alone at one of these things. Does anything of substance even happen at events like this? Where a thousand random people sit in a big room and sing and listen to someone talk?" 

(I was no longer ambivalent and more straight up cranky at this point.) 

The Lord answered, quickly. He said, "This weekend is about you and me, dear one."

But it wasn't a heartwarming, "It's just you and me in a bubble of love and intimacy and good feelings." It was more like, "You and I need to talk and by that I mean I will be doing the talking and you will be doing the listening." 

The conference started at 10.00am on Friday, by 10.02 I was sobbing. Through the prayers, the worship, the teachings, and sometimes the announcements. I bought a book and read it while waiting for the next session to start, sobbing because of the book while people around me awkwardly sipped on their coffees and looked at phones. 

I'm sure many people went to that conference and had a joyful, sweet time with the Lord and with others. I was disciplined. 

The topic the teachers were given was Jesus. All weekend they spoke about His kingdom, His character, His heart for us, His rule and reign, His role in our redemption.

All weekend the Lord gently told me, "I am better than you." 

At protecting. 

At providing. 

At loving my husband and my children. 

At establishing security and peace. 

At pretty much everything. Always. For eternity. 

He is better than me. He will always be. There will never be one moment in which God looks at me and says, "Actually, you take this Christina, it's more your area of expertise." 

I grieved the last thirty-one years of struggling to trust anyone - parents, husband, and sometimes God - to take care of me. Of always having to hedge my bets. Always needing to double check everyone's work. Always keeping the tiniest sliver of my heart back, just in case things went wrong and I needed something with which to rebuild. 

The hard bit comes in realizing you can't feed any sin for several decades and expect it to be a done deal overnight. I can tell there is still resistance to complete surrender. The Lord will be faithful to fight for my whole heart, though. Even if he has to fight me to win it. I am thankful for His jealousy and His gentleness when He takes back what is rightfully His.

I have heard that shepherds in Jesus' day would break the leg of a lamb that was prone to wander, resting it on their shoulders as the leg healed so that the lamb would form a bond with the shepherd and cease it's wandering. I don't know if this is true but it is an incredibly apt analogy. The Lord is breaking me. It is his right to do so. I can tell you that though the pain is great, His presence is greater than a pain-free life. 

I don't think this is an issue unique to me - the tendency to believe we can do better than God or know better than God is all too human - but the Lord was tenderly revealing that, for me, this was a big one. One of those "line in the sand" moments with the Lord.

Someone having complete and total authority over our lives is so foreign to us, isn't it? As one of the speakers pointed out this weekend, our only experiences with humans who attempt to wield the kind of sovereignty God inherently holds don't go well. More than that, we live in a culture where our ultimate authority is ourselves. We are free men and women, with the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Right now, the Lord has been leading me to study His character. I cannot read enough about His holiness, His goodness, His limitlessness, His might, His mercy, His love...

I am convinced the more I know God, the more I "taste and see that the Lord is good," the more surrender will come.

Only by His grace will the study of His character redeem the idea of giving Him complete and total authority. Because as I was also reminded this weekend, it is under His rule and reign that all things flourish.

My spirit longs to flourish under the rule of my King. The One who bought me back from death with His blood. Surely, He has given me no reason to pause, even as my own brokenness shrinks back from surrender, His kindness shows in His patience with me.

May we all step into surrender boldly, proclaiming His goodness to a world that cannot understand why we would willingly sign over complete control.