Sabbatical

I was completely prepared to walk away from this blog. I thought I was done. Not with writing... just blogging. We had Micah and we moved and church planted, and life just got a little busy and (it felt like) too serious for something like blogging.

Then I had a complete breakdown. Twice. My body started to kind of fall apart on me, physically. Turns out you cannot treat your body like garbage and have three babies in five years without paying a price. I've spent most of the fall letting Jesus slowly piece me back together. He's not done, but He is faithful.

As a result of my tendency to fall apart when things get stressful, I am taking a sabbatical from ministry.

This sounds way fancier than it is, since 1) I cannot take a sabbatical from motherhood, and that is my primary role at the moment and 2) my husband is not taking a sabbatical, so much of our life will still involve ministry.

All it means is that I will not be doing campus ministry in the spring.

My supervisor suggested I think of a "program" of sorts for me to do while on my sabbatical... since watching The West Wing for the ninth time probably wouldn't be the most beneficial thing in the world. As I was praying through what this spring would look like, the thought of dusting off the blog came up.

My brain all of a sudden realized how many thoughts it had been accumulating. Thoughts it wanted to share. My fingers began to get that itch to move across the keyboard. Perhaps most importantly, my heart and spirit are beginning to heal in ways I didn't realize they needed, and I've never been able to keep quiet about a good thing. Thus, blogging. I'm not exactly sure what I will write about as I begin this spring, but I will write. I also have a book I am working on. It's got two chapters and may never leave my Google Drive, but it's there.

One of the big lessons I've been learning is that self-care has a whole lot more to do with discipline than mani-pedis. Eating healthier, working out, giving myself time to grieve disappointments and endings, getting up before my children to spend time with Jesus, and disciplining myself to celebrate well. Also I am learning what others call self-care, professional counselors might call "becoming a healthy human."

So, I am not just writing on this sabbatical. I am also going to counseling, continuing to work on my physical health, and reading.

...I will also be watching The West Wing, and maybe Marie Kondo's Tidying Up as that looks like it is right up my cathartic TV watching alley.

Charles Spurgeon once said, "I have learned to kiss the waves that throw me against the Rock of Ages."

What I have walked through over the past year is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Panic attacks. The inability to be alone. Feeling completely overwhelmed by normal, every day things. Insomnia.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and yet I am grateful for it, most of the time. Over the past year the Lord revealed that my theology on suffering was nonexistent. That has slowly been changing, and it is to my benefit. As I learn to kiss the waves, I find that I am learning peace, contentment, joy, and hope in ways that I did not know were possible.

The key part of that last sentence is that I have not learned, I am learning.

Hopefully sharing some thoughts here will help others do the same.

Much grace.